An intriguing exclusive in The New York Times claims that many people shop on the internet... while drunk. Is it true? That's not for us to say—we're just here to help! What will you purchase, next time you are trawling eBay and Amazon while you're drunk?
Unisex Feathered Felt Trilby Hat, Grey, Size 7 1/4: $1.04
You know what? You know what you need, really? In your life? You need a hat. You need a hat! How have you never owned a hat before? With a feather! A hat with a feather! God, you will look good in this hat. You know what you should do? Photoshop a picture of yourself in the hat, just to see what it looks like. Actually, no. You will look good. Just buy it. Bid on the hat. Get the hat. You are going to get so much ass in that hat.
CD Single, Natalie Imbruglia, "Torn"/"Wishing I Was There" (new): $73.26
You loved that song. Remember? "I'm all out of faith/This is how I feel/Cold and... cold and naked and I'm torn." That song fucking rules. You love Natalie Imbruglia. Should you download the MP3? No. MP3s are bullshit. Fuck MP3s. You need to buy the CD of this song. Yes. The CD single. You need to buy the only new copy of the CD single on Amazon. For Natalie. "Illusion never changed/Into something real/I'm the... torn... naked on the floor." Fuck yeah.
Victorian Parasol, Orange: $60.00
When will you ever carry this parasol around? Is something your roommate, who sucks, and is always like, "stop singing Natalie Imbruglia so loudly, it's 2 a.m.," would say. When will you not constantly be carrying this parasol around? Is something you will say, right now. Out loud. Your roommate sucks. This parasol will show her. Show her how awesome you are.
GRE Revised Standard Test Registration: $160
Remember how you were going to go to graduate school? Ha ha ha. Ha. Ha ha. It's okay! Your life is still fine. Your life is great. Your life... You can study in time for the next test. Right? You will quit your job. You will quit your job and study for the GREs. That makes sense. This is a good plan. Sign up for GREs, quit job, study for GREs 10 hours a day, get degree. This is a great plan. You are so good at planning things. And you have a hat, now. You are in great shape. Everything is okay.
Round-trip Ticket, Newark to Barcelona, departing Friday, 12/30: $1,147
You know the best place to spend New Year's Eve? Barcelona. You read that somewhere. Or maybe it was Madrid. But it's the best place. They have... parties? And stuff. You definitely heard this from someone. And you basically speak Spanish? You're rusty, but you'll pick it up. Barcelona! It's supposed to be great. Or maybe that was Madrid.