Anyone who has has had the misfortune of not being able to live alone has one: a story about a really wretched roommate. I'm not just talking about the one who forgets to take out the trash or uses the last square of toilet paper and makes you waddle, dirty-assed, across the bathroom for a new roll. No, I'm talking about the real psychos. Share your best crazy roommate story and win a prize!
Did your roommate have sex with homeless people on your kitchen table? Did he start growing marijuana in his closet and get you both arrested? Did she start to wear the same clothes as you and try to take over your life and then they made it into a movie starring Bridget Fonda? (What ever happened to Bridget Fonda?)
It doesn't even have to be that baroque. I once had a roommate in college who I shared a room with and his mother came to live with us for a month. Yes, a month! Awful! Also acceptable are the extremes of controlling passive aggression. Here's an email we got from a reader that she got from her roommate after moving a traffic cone her roommate picked up on the street one night. It might be a fake, but it works for illustrative purposes.
It is evident from your recent behaviour that you are unwilling to behave in a way that is conducive to living under that same roof as other people. I am unaware whether this is deliberately provocative or whether you have no insight into behaviour either way the effect is the same.
Therefore I feel it necessary to state in writing a number of non-negotiable rules regarding anything that belongs to me, has anything to do with me or I have a part interest in i.e. communal things that we both use such as the sky tv package.
Firstly in regard to my possessions: you are not to use in any way or touch, move, rearrange or in any other way physically manipulate anything that belongs to me. This includes most obviously my gaggia, my cooking utensils which is the majority of the pans and a good amount of any other kitchen appliances. Anything that belongs to me is off limits to you. In regard to my cloths I realise that these will need to be moved when dry so this is acceptable on the condition that you nearly place them on the sofa nearest your room, no other action with them is acceptable.
In regards to my possessions or anything to do with me again you will not use, touch, rearrange or in any other way have anything to do with these items.
You do not have the right to impose, as you have recently, any opinion either regarding anything to do with my possessions or things in the house which have in any way something to do with me. I am not, due to your recently demonstrated attitude, going to consider any opinion you may have in this regard which is expressed in a way similar to your recent statements or behaviour and you will on no occasion in the future address any such issue with me either directly or indirectly in this way. This is due to the apparent inability on your part to behave in a manner that is reasonable or as it appears do anything but force your opinion in a way that is consistent with low level domestic psychological abuse.
I will of course listen to any reasonable requests put in a reasonable way, however in the immediate future you will not bring anything up directly with me rather you will go through an impartial intermediary within the house. By this I mean HJ, KL or MN. I will not consider communiqués from any other source.
Also when this type of request is forthcoming you need to recognise that the final decision is mine and if it is a no or you don't like it then you will have to accept it. Once I have come to a decision regarding my things that will be final and I expect to hear nothing further.
In regard to things that are in shared usage such as the sky, the cooker etc. neither you nor I shall change any part of it without first having full consultation on the subject. Asking other's to agree with you and then stating that this is your house is unacceptable and does not count in this regard.
In regard to you doing things like putting dishes away etc. you do this of your own accord and you should not expect any thanks or other recognition from others. We have not asked you to do it or recognised it an a need that no one will fulfil.
In short I regret to say we have come to a point where the impact of your behaviour and attitude has become unacceptable and intolerable. Therefore the rule regarding my possessions and items that have anything to do with me is that you do not have a right to use, touch, move, rearrange or physically manipulate them in any way, neither do you have a right to impose an opinion regarding these items. In order to communicate with me about anything such as this you will need to go through an intermediary as stated above, no direct communication will be considered at present as I do not believe you are capable of doing this in a constructive and reasonable way based on recent behaviour.
I of course recognise that my reactions also may cause an escalation of tension and am going to endeavour to address any difficulties in this regard. I am also willing to relax, review the above however only on the precondition that you recognise and take meaningful steps towards changing your attitude and behaviour which at present is far beyond unacceptable.
Please do not attempt to directly reply or negotiate any of the above. I will in the immediate term ignore any attempt at direct communication and delete any written communication without reading it.
Sent from my iPhone
And he typed that whole thing out on his iPhone!
Alright, now it's your turn to leave your stories. Here are the rules.
- Stories must be left in the comments section of this post. Do not email them.. If you're not a commenter, find out how to become one here. (Note to new commenters: when you enter your first comment, you won't be able to see it immediately. That doesn't mean it's not there. Please don't enter it a million times.)
- Stories should be about roommates, not family members or significant others you shared the same space with.
- Be concise. If it's too long, I'm not going to read it, and it won't be considered for judging.
- Don't start your story with, "This isn't as good as everyone else's." If it's not that good, don't leave it. Also, if you start like that, I will assume that it's not worth winning and I won't read it.
- Stories are judged not only on the atrocity of the tale contained, but also the skill of the writing, so make sure your prose is short, crisp, and wonderful.
- Stories must be in tomorrow, January 26, by noon.
- Standard contest rules apply.
Alright, get down in the comments and let us know your tales of shared living woe. The winner will get a prize to be named later. It could be a million dollar apartment to live in all on your own (but it will probably be more like $50 or a bottle of booze or something). I'll post the best of the worst and declare a winner tomorrow.