After Demi Moore's recent whip-it fiasco, it's become apparent that some of you do not know how to use whip-its. If we are anything here at Gawker, we are educators first and foremost. So while I wish Demi a speedy recovery, it is important that you all stop doing whip-its (not to be confused with my favorite butthole relaxant and room odorizer, Poppers) the wrong way. There is a right way to do them and I am here to teach you how. Also, don't be a goober; you should know what a whip-it is and how to do it by now.
If you have never done whip-its before, you can keep yourself out of harm's way by following the three W's: What, Whip, and Where.
The first thing every whipiteering girl and boy must decide is what kind of whip-it they will use. Even Demi, uneducated user as she was, probably called up her whip-it guy and was all, "gimme the Golden Goose" or, "I'll take the Nomad's Sandstorm with a Miranda From Sex and the City twist." The heart wants what the heart wants.
For those of you just one step below in the whip-it caste system, might I suggest investing in canisters and a dispenser. Whip-It canisters can be purchased virtually anywhere and are extremely afforadble. The dispenser, though steeper in price, makes for a lovely wedding or housewarming gift. Plus, you can suck the nitrous straight from the tap (don't worry about it, that's expert whip-it jargon. You'll get there).
But for the plebeian user, which is most of you, selecting a whip-it is simply a matter of making the choice between a whipped cream bottle or a balloon with a nitrous oxide tank. For the sake of this explanation and to rid ourselves of any bougie classists, let's agree to use regular old bottles of Reddi-Whip. They are the easiest to come by and they will remind you of pie, which is a nice bonus. (Those of you with access to nitrous oxide tanks, why do you have access to nitrous oxide tanks? Are you guys OK?)
It is best to approach the whipping of a whip-it in an easy to follow step-by-step list:
Step 1: Go to your nearest purveyor of whipped cream and purchase a fresh, unopened can.
Step 2: DO NOT SHAKE THE CAN. You will want to shake the can. Do not.
Step 3: Pay attention as this is the most crucial step: after removing the cap from the bottle, bring the nozzle up to your mouth, pushing it at an angle up and away from the can so that no whipped cream comes out.
Step 4: With your mouth over the gap between the can and the nozzle, inhale deeply. You will know when to stop.
Step 5: Enjoy the sensations that result in the systematic destruction of many brain cells.
Step 6: Repeat as needed, but not so many times that you need yourself into having a seizure.
Also unlike Demi, you will not be using whip-its in the secret, velvet-walled basement of Tao or wherever. You will be in a parking lot. Or behind a dumpster. Or in your apartment sitting in a baby pool surrounded by fingernail clippings and stacks of old newspapers and your typed "manuscript." But that doesn't mean you can't enjoy it all the same. Just make sure that you are in a safe place, surrounded by friends (spotters) so that when you inhale and sink to the ground in an uncontrollable fit of giggles, your brain ricocheting back and forth inside your skull, you will be out of harm's way.
Warning: The above guide is for education purposes only. Gawker discourages the behavior depicted therein. Gawker must insist that no one attempt to recreate or reenact this activity. Reliance on or activity based on any information provided is solely at your own risk.
[Image by Jim Cooke, photo by Getty]