Busy week in the Kardashian sex news business. Yesterday, we learned that Khloe Kardashian installed a sex swing, which collapsed under the weight of her fucking giant NBA husband Lamar Odom. Today, we learn that Kardashian matriarch Kris Jenner has been named Zestra® Essential Arousal Oils™.
What, you ask, are Zestra® Essential Arousal Oils™? Hit it, euphemism-laden press release:
Zestra is a topically-applied, over-the-counter product from Semprae Laboratories, Inc., that is clinically proven to enhance women's sexual pleasure. Jenner, a 56-year old mother of six and wife of Olympic Gold Medalist Bruce Jenner, is a savvy entrepreneur who has helped build successful brands for herself and her daughters.
In a signed letter on Zestra's website, Kris recommends using the oily substance to "keep feeding the fire and keep monotony out of monogamy." How does this mysterious substance work? From Zestra's How-To Guide:
• Open a Zestra packette across the top, starting at one of the grooves on either side.
• You or your partner gently massage the contents of one Zestra Personal Packette* onto the clitoris, labia and outer areas of the vagina.
• Within 3 to 5 minutes, you will begin to feel initial sensations—the Zestra Rush.™ These effects will peak at about 10 minutes and last up to 45 minutes.
And now you have an image of freeze-dried Olympian Bruce Jenner giving his wife a Zestra rubdown stuck in your mind, forever. Is it powerful enough to supplant the image of Kim doggy-styling Ray-J, or Khloe sex-swinging Lamar? Personally, I'm still fixated on the tangle of super-long limbs associated with a professional basketball player falling from a sex swing. [images via Getty]