Good news for everyone out there who's been called a "meathead" or a "doofus" or a "Jersey boy" or a "oxbrain" or a "big dumb galoot" simply because you enjoy lifting weights at the gymnasium: modern research shows that all types of exercise "ward off a host of cognitive impairments and enhances brainpower all life long." Which is good, because everything else designed to prevent you from being fat will, sadly, also make you dumb.
Like this new diet drug Qnexa, which the FDA might approve next week, even though they rejected it in 2010 because of, you know, side effects. Memory loss, for one. This diet drug actually makes you dumb, scientifically. But look, would you rather be fat and smart or skinny and dumb? For Americans—most of whom are fat and dumb—the choice is clear.
If you don't want to exercise or take stupid-making drugs, fear not: the Mars candy company is eliminating its "King Size" of candy bars, and advocacy groups are trying to bring about the closure of the Heart Attack Grill. You may be saved from yourself yet. (Though still dumb.)
This has been the Get In Where You "Fit" In, America! news of the week.