Why read Fifty Shades of Grey when you can live it? Or, OK, at least drag a bunch of girlfriends to the real-life hotel where some of the book's filthy sex takes place.

The Heathman Hotel in Portland is capitalizing on its prominent role in E. L. James' series with tie-ins designed to help guests forget they're not really in a kinky BDSM relationship.

The "Inner Goddess" add-on sounds a lot more exciting than it is — "Inner Goddess" makes me think deep tissue massage, or at least a vibrator shaped like Fifty Shades' Christian Grey. But no, according to Heathman general manager Chris Erickson, it includes a "beautiful white wine that Christian and Anastasia enjoy, complete with a little grey tie wrapped around the bottle neck."

The far more extravagant "Charlie Tango" package, which will cost you $,2750, is a helicopter ride and dinner for six.

Dinner for six? What kind of erotic adventure is that? At nearly $3,000, guests should be getting a spanking sesh from a trained professional, not dinner with friends. I mean, great, make some money off a book where people do it in your hotel, but try to stay true to the heart of Fifty Shades. Give me rope. Give me handcuffs. Give me terrible amateur prose.

But hey, there is the Fifty Shades of Gin cocktail. Enough of those and any married couple visiting The Heathman to rekindle their romance can fall in love again.

Pretend you're Christian and Anastasia, trapped by circumstance and the power of your lust for one another. Then get too drunk to fuck and fall asleep watching House Hunters reruns. It hurts so good.

[Image via Flickr/bitchcakes]