The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge's private secretary has just released the itinerary for the couple's upcoming eight-day, endless nights, Magical Mystery Tour of the Asian Pacific.
How much better will it be?
Us Weekly writes that Kate "might…wear a tiara to one of the formal dinner events," and everyone will have to pretend like that is a normal thing to do and not make fun of her or say "Where did you buy that, Claire's?"
On one of the excursions, they're going to meet a very special flower and have another flower named after them, even though "Bill and Cathy" is a terrible name for a flower.
IT'S GOING TO BE THE BEST TRIP EVER.
Here's the full itinerary:
September 11: Sassy in Singapore
William and Kate will visit the Botanic Gardens in Singapore, where they will meet an orchid named for the late Princess Diana and have another orchid named in their honor. William and Kate will carefully inspect the orchids for several minutes, all the while praying someone will signal that they have spent an adequate amount of time appreciating the flowers. Meanwhile, their hosts will hang back awkwardly, surprised that William and Kate are examining the orchids with a botanist's precision, and reluctant to interrupt. With all participants sweating under a heavy blanket of politeness, the orchid inspection will continue until sundown, when the failing light will render orchid examination difficult and William and Kate will hesitantly place the orchids back down on the table.
September 12: Stupendous in Singapore
William and Kate will plant a tree in Singapore (also a small marijuana plant that Prince Harry has assured them is a rose bush). Following this, they will explore "one of the world's most impressive artificial rainforest mountains," which is a confusing jumble of words and probably means they are going to a some sort of indoor mall. After visiting one of the world's coolest faux desert tundra plateaus, they will continue on to a special needs community school where William will attend a P.E. class and Kate will do some art.
September 13: Magnificent in Malaysia
Kate will be permitted to speak aloud for the first time on the trip, when she gives her first overseas speech at a hospice center in Kuala Lumpur. That night, she and William will have dinner with the King of Malaysia. (Crowns come out, probably.)
September 14: NO INFORMATION PROVIDED
On September 14, the couple will probably be doing something illegal, so no information was provided for this day.
September 15: Merry in Malaysia
The couple will visit the largest remaining rainforest and compare it unfavorably to the one they saw in that mall in Singapore. In the words of their private secretary, the couple will "have a quick shimmy through the jungle." William will walk up to a toucan and ask it where the nearest foodcourt is located. Kate will mistake two large leaves for shoes, and attempt to buy them. They will have lunch at a nearby lodge (chicken fingers, both).
September 16: Salacious in the Solomon Islands
William and Kate will attend a local church service (boring) "in an ornately decorated open-top vehicle" (pimp car; awesome). They will "attend a service of thanksgiving" for their grandmother, and then eat dinner.
September 17: Super Fun in the Solomon Islands
William and Kate "will separate for the only time during their tour," and probably be very sullen and text one another constantly. William will interrupt some young children who are playing soccer. Kate will attend a reception for women's groups of the Solomon Islands.
After their morning apart, the couple will "fly to the island of Marau for a welcome ceremony, then take a quick boat trip to Marapa for a second welcome ceremony." Feeling, by now, thoroughly welcomed, William and Kate will next "take a war canoe journey to Tavanipupu," where they will make war. Followed by love, in their hotel room that night.
September 18: Still...in the Solomon Islands
They will spend the day visiting schools and watching people play sports. Kate Middleton will probably attempt to start The Wave several times, because she is obsessed with it.
September 19: Sayonara, Solomon Islands
The couple will fly commercial back to London, suitcases bursting with tiny hotel soaps and shampoos.
A final note: those hoping to see some iconic jewels on this trip, like the maple leaf brooch in Canada, will leave disappointed. The couple's secretary confirms, "There will be no iconic jewels on this trip like the maple leaf brooch in Canada."