Nog some eggs and settle in for some extensive family time with extended family. It's a long slog to New Year's. Kith and kin claim they're there to help, but we both know they're often the root of the problem.
Take solace in inanimate objects, we say! Here are five products that should get you through the holidays and into 2013 intact, Mayan Apocalypse notwithstanding.
For Warmth: Italian Wool Army Blanket $39
Wind chill outside is no match for mom's insistance that the AC run full-bore all December on account of her hot flashes. It's time to get serious about warmth – army serious. But not too serious - Italian army serious. With this handsome wool blanket, you may also master the art of couch camouflage. Just bring a snorkel and a reading light.
For Heat: Antique Extinguisher $45
This old brass fire stopper is a superb conversation deflector. When are you going to get married? Will you look at that etching. I never loved your grandmother. Hey - when was the San Francisco Fire? Why can't you be more like your sister? Because she's a girl and my grades weren't good enough to get into Brown! (Grease fire in the kitchen? Call 911.)
For Calm: Set of Six Silver Ombre Cocktail Glasses $120
Drink. Repeat. Nothing softens the edges of a family gathering like distilled spirits, poured into a glass if you absolutely must. These celebratory silver tipped tumblers come with their own caddy, making it a cinch to administer the medicine to all of the patients as quickly as possible.
For Travel: The Tokyo Bag by Good Flock $199
Ditch the rolly bag. You know there's no room for it anywhere on the plane. Hell, ditch the zipper. Everything you need should be in this bag and easy to access. Good Flock does it right – from the waxed denim to the vegetable-dyed handles and the incredibly useful pockets (internal and external). Plus it's likely to be the only thing this Holiday Season that is even remotely subtle.
For Feet: Marled Socks by Wigwam $12
There's no way you can sneak out of your childhood bedroom late at night to smoke weed while wearing boots. You'll wake up the Shih-Tzu that Dad replaced you with, and subject yourself to probing questions about life goals and sleep apnea. Slide on out on the cushy pads of these thick socks. And don't call them stockings. And don't stuff them.