So, there's a Reddit thread today titled, "What is the sexiest thing someone has ever said to you?" and it's exactly as hilarious as you would expect. It's also, predictably, a perfect encapsulation of Reddit's shut-in male user base (and the women brave enough to hack through that cornfield). Here are some highlights:

Reddit uscer SCUBA-Steve-o published this lovely, if banal, anecdote:

SCUBA-Steve-o 790 points 7 hours ago*
"Wow, your penis is beautiful"
It had been called many things, but never that. And she was 6 years older than me, so that somehow made it even better.

Naturally, a handful other Reddit users read "6 years older than me" as just "six years old."

mylegisapenis 947 points 5 hours ago
I read that as "she was 6 years old..."

DeadNinjax 32 points 6 hours ago
You're not the only one bro.

allyareyouokay 3 points 5 hours ago
ah so did i

duckman273 4 points 3 hours ago
So did I and then I read the next two letters.

Froff-e 1 point 2 hours ago
Me too. I double taked and still read it that way. I should get my eyes checked.

This female Reddit user (yes, they exist) posted that she's a hands person.

NothingtodohereOGW 318 points 6 hours ago*

Good to know I'm not alone in having a hand fetish. Seriously, I get so aroused and so wet when I see strong veiny hands. Mmmm! And forearms...good god, forearms with bulging veins and plenty of sexy!

So, naturally, some dude quickly uploaded a photo of his hands.

bigkbull 295 points 5 hours ago
Please, try to contain yourself:

Bonus: callused

Can't wait for the marriage thread.

Another female Reddit user (stay safe, ladies!) divulged the following:

boxybroker 385 points 5 hours ago*
the guy who taught me that i am in fact a squirter/multipler... I honestly think he was trying to make me pass out sometimes (he succeeded once) just from fingering me. One particular night I'd orgasmed I don't know how many times, I was spent. I turned around and gasped out, "I'm good! I can't! I can't cum anymore!" I was all waving him off me trying to lay down.
He leaned over my shoulder, grabbed my arm and whispered in my ear, "Yes you can." and pushed me back down again.
I came again immediately. He was so fucking cocky it was ridiculous. And he always knew if I really had another one left in me or not.

Which led to a flock of male users frothing for tips on how to sexually pleasure a woman. Boxybroker did try and help out, god bless her.

climberslacker 163 points 2 hours ago
So if I were to want to become this guy...How?

caveman_chubs 15 points 3 hours ago
I stopped after the first bullet point. DAMN MY FAT STUBBY FINGERS!!!!

cbaquol 8 points 3 hours ago
given the lack of skill with women redditors generally have, this comment deserves way more than 15 up votes. if i could give more, i would, but after one i guess im spent

Futureastrosomthing 6 points 3 hours ago
your fuckin amazin thanx for the info

There's also the guy who had to go jack off in the bathroom after his girlfriend indicated that she was willing to have sex with him.

CaptHerpDerp 133 points 6 hours ago
I used to work as a server in a restaurant. My ex would come in frequently to eat (and get brownie points, of course). One time, she could tell I was having a pretty rough night, so she left me an unusually big tip, and wrote "I expect a bigger tip from you, when you get home! ;)" on a napkin. Despite the bad shift, that still forced me to hit the men's room for a "readjustment."

I'll stop there for the sake of our collective sanity, but if you're a woman and you want to turn on a guy that treats sex like a 12-year-old, it's all there! (Hint: just say you want to have sex, that's it.)

[via Reddit, image via Shutterstock]