PR email blasts take on a kind of terrifying, poetic majesty at this time of year. Some caps become all caps; "don't-miss" becomes "can't-miss"; I have now read the words "burlesque" and "cabaret" so many times that they have lost all meaning. Everything is burlesque. All things are burlesque. Nothing is burlesque. Endless cabarets. The limit does not exist.

I will not engage in a debate here about whether or not New Year's Eve is a "good" holiday. If you like to go out, go out. If you like to stay inside eating maraschino cherries you've soaked in bourbon until you can't find the door, take a seat and open a jar.

Most Inscrutable: Lumen Chicago's "Ciroc presents PYRAMIDS!"

This event offers the chance to ring in the New Year with, among other things:

  • A live harpist as you enter a room of opulence
  • A massive Egyptian ice sculpture
  • Enormous Pyramid backdrop for photo opportunities
  • Live hieroglyphic artist

Oddly enough, the oldest-ever drawing of a pharaoh was discovered in Egypt this weekend. This bodes either very well or very ill for this particular party.

Most Disrespectful of the Dead: Umphrey McGee at The Tabernacle in Atlanta

  • Face Melting and Jimmy Stewart improv
  • An Etta James tribute

Most Imprecise Use of the Word 'Vintage': PERCH

Please join me for a Great Gatsby inspired NYE 2013!! If your tired of the Hollywood Nightclub scene and looking for a more elegant, sophisticated affair, then this is EXACTLY what your looking for!

  • Djs, LIVE Bands, Burlesque and Cabaret at PERCH
  • The GRAND OPENING of the 13th Floor Speakeasy Lounge (Think a Vintage French Inspired version of The Sayers Club)
  • FULL Complimentary Premium Bar (Grey Goose level brands+)
  • FULL Complimentary Premium Hors D'oeuvres (Kobe Beef Sliders, Oysters+)
  • Complimentary Cigar Rolling Stations and Scotch Tastings
  • Midnight Balloon Drop
  • Burlesque and Cabaret by the Bella Donnas

My questions are as follows: what are oysters plus? What kind of dress code is "Jackets, Flappers & Vintage Preferred"? When will someone throw a Great Gatsby-themed party that's less "over-the-top jazz bash" and more "Valley of Ashes"?

Least Comprehensive Pricing Structure: Baller Alert

$100,000 will buy you the following:

"In The Studio" with FUTURE Package

  • Meet & Greet FUTURE with 4 of your friends at his recording studio
  • $100,000.00 (tax and gratuity included)
  • Includes all the amenities of General Admission for 50
  • 10 bottles of Belvedere
  • 50 bottles of Moet Rose Champagne
  • 10 bottles of Patron

No other table packages are mentioned; presumably everyone at this event will have paid $100,000 to do so and will be barely visible behind their mountain of Belvedere bottles.

Least Annual/Most Geographically Insecure: 1st Annual 3-Day Kevin Hart Block Party

Alright, alright, alright! Listen up. Kevin Hart is shutting it down this New Year's Eve at LA LIVE. That's right - 3 days of parties & concerts all weekend long featuring: Christina Milian, LaLa, Ludacris, Kelly Rowland & many more!!!

This New Year's Block Party is the West Coast's answer to New Year's Eve in NYC. He's the only comic who brings this type of fire!

West Coast, don't be so hard on yourself. You're an excellent coast. New York didn't invent New Year's Eve. This block party will stand or fall on its own.

Most Hopeless: Nick Cannon

Comedy Central will be giving viewers a special opportunity to get to know the cast of their new sketch comedy show, Incredible Crew. All day New Year's Eve, Shauna and the gang will be offering up their favorite sketches as they count down to a sneak peak, one-hour preview of the all new Incredible Crew. The special event starts at 8:00 p.m. (ET/PT) on December 31st. The official series premier of Incredible Crew, featuring Shauna Case, will be January 24th at 8:00 p.m.

Incredible Crew, is a live-action, half-hour, sketch comedy series from producer and entertainer Nick Cannon premiering on Cartoon Network THURSDAY, JANUARY 24 at 8:00 p.m. (ET, PT). Every episode of this high-energy, fast-paced show delivers hilarious comedy bits, outrageous hidden camera pranks, original music videos and commercial parodies all with a distinct attitude – a contemporary blend of internet sensibility mixed with kid imagination. Incredible Crew showcases six up-and-coming young comedy stars featured in diverse roles in every genre: a rap video called "Running Errands with my Mom", a skit about a sensitive Viking named Olaf, a riff on school bus news and an absurd pizza dance.

This email does not make it clear if Nick Cannon, who is an endlessly fascinating human person, is going to be at this party. He probably won't be, of course; he'll probably be recreating Lohengrin with his strange and beautiful family, riding a ruby-and-flute-encrusted swan boat with Mariah and bellowing Wagner at the top of his crystal lungs. But maybe he will. I don't know. It's ridiculous to think he'd show up, right?

I don't even think it's a party. I think it's just a television premiere cleverly disguised to look like a party.

I'm never going to get to meet Nick Cannon.

[Image via AP]