Chris Brown, the world's most-hated pop singer, is under investigation for assault (again), stemming from an "all-out brawl" with Frank Ocean — one of the internet's most beloved R&B singers — apparently over a parking space.
There's at least two versions of the story going around, so bear with us. According to TMZ ("The Bandit's Tale") — who, let's be clear, is basing their version on the accounts of Brown's friends and crew — Ocean was the instigator:
Chris was at Westlake Studio in the L.A. area listening to one of the artists he represents. The sources say as Chris went to leave, Frank Ocean and his crew blocked Chris from leaving. The sources say Frank said, "This is my studio, this is my parking spot."
We're told Chris went to shake Frank's hand ... and that's when one of Frank's people attacked Chris. Sources connected with Chris say one of Chris' friends jumped in front and hit Frank's friend. Sources connected with Chris say Frank then came at Chris ... Chris pushed him away and they started brawling.
Then there's the (abridged) version that Ocean is telling on Twitter ("The Woodcutter's Tale"). Everest is Ocean's dog:
got jumped by chris and a couple guys. lol. i only wish everest was there.— frank ocean (@frank_ocean) January 28, 2013
cut my finger now I can't play w two hands at the grammys.— frank ocean (@frank_ocean) January 28, 2013
"Witnesses" who talked to the Post back up Ocean, saying "Brown threw the first punch." According to TMZ, Ocean stuck around after the fight to talk to police, while Brown didn't, so it's not surprising that the police are looking for Brown — but as of right now no one is pressing charges.
Let's be honest: it's not hard to choose between those two versions. Brown is a violent, angry, abusive asshole known for beating his ex-girlfriend and starting brawls in the club. Ocean, meanwhile, has never been accused of assault and isn't known for hitting people. (He's also, after coming out as bisexual last year, maybe the most beloved entertainer in music right now.)
Brown's insane fans, led on Twitter by his disturbingly overprotective mother, won't care — if you can still love Chris Brown after seeing photographs of Rihanna's face after he beat her before the Grammys, you'll love him forever — but if there's anyone out there who was still neutral (unlikely), jumping one of music's nice guys over a parking space isn't going to tip them over to the "good" side.
But that's Brown's m.o. What other pop singer's long-term strategy involves alienating every human being on the planet, one violent incident at a time?