Tanned leather belt Anthony Bourdain is a person who probably has good taste and is sometimes witty, but he is not a person from whom we would appreciate sex advice. Nonetheless, he has doled out some sex tips in a recent column for Cosmo in order to promote his new CNN show Parts Unknown, which now has a weird double-entendre vibe to its name.
The whole thing is mostly cringe-inducing. Bourdain spared not a single innuendo and detailed the seductive meal his wife ordered on one of their first dates, but he also presented some practical advice. He created an inventory of supposedly sexy food that is supposedly sexy for women to eat. Here's the full list, not edited for content or skeeviness:
Tony's Sexiest Foods (and Why They're Turn-Ons)
They're beautiful objects with so much flavor and juice. Damn sexy.
The Italians have it exactly right: a big family-style, eat-when-it's-ready meal.
Because eating with your hands is incredibly sensual.
A woman eating fish eggs? Oh my god, sexy.
I'm not saying eating barbecue is the way to achieve world peace, but it won't hurt.
A simmering red sauce and hunk of meat: smells, sounds, and tastes good cooking.
Animal protein is a beautiful thing.
Current obsession: raw beef with uni (sea urchin), served on a shiso leaf.
Aside from the list of food items, the introduction to this article mostly includes stuff everyone knows because Cosmo is a reliable repurposing machine. Here are his take-home points: you should try new things, be adventurous, indulge yourself, don't worry about how you look. Thanks man—also thanks for being super clear on the food/sex comparison: "You learn a lot about someone when you share a meal together. If your date makes the experience uptight and restrictive, well, the sex is going to be horrible too."