Earlier today, some media outlets published a wackadoo rumor that Facebook co-founder and real life Justin Timberlake Sean Parker was planning to marry his fiancée in a medieval, Game of Thrones-themed, costume-mandatory ceremony this summer.
But don't you boners know it's April Fool's Day? What kind of nerd would throw himself a medieval wedding? As Sean Parker angrily explained on his Facebook and Twitter pages, the REAL theme is "Victorian flair and whimsy." So: steampunk.
Sorry to disappoint those of you who were looking forward to dressing up in medieval garb, but the wardrobe designs we've made for our guests are essentially modern. This is NOT a theme wedding and there will be nothing "medieval" about it. Academy award winning costume designer Ngila Dickson created a series of outfits for everyone that are based on modern suits and dresses with some elements of victorian flair and whimsy; however they are not at all "medieval."
And really. Why would Sean Parker style his wedding after a vaguely historical time period that never existed, when he could style it after what would appear to be a slightly later, vaguely historical time period that also never existed?
In its initial story, the New York Post reported that Parker's save-the-date cards featured a "medieval scroll design," which may have tricked them into thinking the whole wedding would have a medieval theme. However, if My Super Sweet 16 taught us anything, it's that medieval scroll style invitations can be used for any social gathering, regardless of theme.
"I hope you can come to my Moulin Rouge-themed birthday party. Here's a medieval scroll style invitation."
"I hope you can come to my Beach Bonanza-themed birthday party. Here's a medieval scroll style invitation."
"Jessica, you are acting like a bitch and you are not invited to my Viva Las Vegas-themed birthday party. You will not be receiving a medieval scroll style invitation."
A medieval scroll style invitation is just party planner shorthand for "real class event going down; very high-brow and elegant/fancy."
To those who would argue that any wedding that features mandatory whimsical costumes is inherently nerdy no matter what the official "theme" is (in the event no alternate theme is declared, the default theme becomes "mandatory whimsical costume-themed"), we say: you have obviously never experienced the powerful, almost sexual, high that comes with forcing a group of adults you respect to dress up in ridiculous outfits of your choosing.
Of course, if everyone's mocking comments about his dumb steampunk wedding worries Sean Parker's heart, America has now given him the perfect "out"; he can always claim that the whole thing was just an April Fool's joke that got Too Big.
But it would mean canceling that order for several tons of whimsical watch cog confetti.