It's that time again: voting in round one of America's Ugliest Accent Tournament is about to begin. We can now give you the results of our prior days' matchups, which may serve to inform where your loyalties lie in today's rounds of voting. Nevertheless, please remember that city pride is important when it comes to nominating the ugliest garbage-sounding mealymouth in America. Stay true to your school.
This time, we have two Pennsylvania favorites and two Southern standards, making this a day to remember for our great United States of America. Do you believe that the spitswilling mumbles of the great Southern pastures are uglier than the blue collar wide mouth and dirty pronunciation that you can find along the Schookyill and rootin' fer the Stillers? Choose wisely. The tournament is closing in.
Day one and day two's winners were Boston, Chicago, Scranton, and Tallahassee. Today? Who knows what today will hold. The power is in your hands.
It's hard to believe that an accent could be nearly as grating as the Scranton scrawl but Pittsburgh somehow manages to top it, jagoffs. Perfectly captured in Nick Kroll's Pawnsylvania sketch, those Western Pennsylvanian yinzers and steal miners are as hard to listen to as an Iggles fan saying they're going to be good this year. The Pittsburgh accent is so strong that it has its own naming protocol: you're not talking like you're from Pittsburgh, you're speaking Pittsburghese.
Another gentle Southern accent comes from Georgia, home to Gawker News Editor and regional cocktail master Taylor Berman, defined by its r-dropping and imitated by many to represent the hokiest Southern drawl. As LFO once put into song, girls from Georgia "speak real slow" and though the capital of the peach state is less garbled and wide than its rural outskirts, it has a blend of African American Vernacular English mixed with Southern city slang, making every word sound like an opp-ah-tunity to mock Atlanta.
The Memphis accent, unlike that of Nashville or of other Suthern states, is that its "delicately" southern, which means its not as deep or round as a Texan's. The Appalachian influence is present in the rhotic way Memphis natives speak, so they don't drop their "r"s like the rest of the South. The Memphis accent is peppered with "ain't"s and "ass-whoopin"s and particularly drawn-out vowels.
In in the interest of full disclosure, the author of this post is from the stunning city of Filelfia and will do nothing to hide her desire to have the city of brotherly love and Ryan Howard win this whole tournyment. The dirt movie that was American Hustle tried heartily to imitate it but accept no imitations: Filelfia is its own breed of ugly. You wanna spyeak like a rill Philly jabroni? Substeetooshuns not accepted.
Notable Philadelphia accents: Philly Boy Roy, Bradley Cooper when he's trying, Chris Matthews
Example sentence: "Yo Antny, when you're done your glass of wooder, wanna get a hoagie on Thirdyfish Street awn da way over to Moik's for de Iggles game?"
[Image by Jim Cooke]