In order to prevent their star employees from literally working themselves to death, the investment banking industry has begun to mandate several entire days off per month. That is one good reason to never work for an investment bank. In an email sent to his interns, Barclays banker Justin Kwan provides another ten.
Kwan is a second-year analyst in Barclays’ Global Power & Utilities group, according to the Wall Street Journal, which today published his email (described as “making the rounds on Wall Street”). It is a very fucked up email:
From: Kwan, Justin: Banking (NYK)
Sent: Tuesday, June 02, 2015 11:16
Subject: Welcome to the Jungle
Welcome to Power! I am sure you are all busy at training, but in the interest of helping your transition into the summer, and hopefully helping some of you secure Full-Time offers, I wanted to introduce you to the 10 Power Commandments. Respect them, love them, live them. You may have heard different stories about Barclays Power - go on WSO and you’ll see us called the “frattiest group”, “top Power group on the street”, or the group with the “best PE placement” - needless to say we are a unique group at Barclays. And with that come unique rules.
For 9 weeks you will live and die by these:
1. Our group dresses very conservatively. Given that it is summer, no socks is accepted and, in fact, encouraged. (Men: On your first day at the desk, it is customary to wear a bowtie and/or suspenders).
Kwan doesn’t refute the notion that “Power” is the “frattiest group,” which is for the best seeing as how its male employees apparently dress like Ole Miss sophomores at a tailgate discussing why the Civil War wasn’t really about slavery.
2. Remember: this is a summer internship for a full-time offer. It won’t be easy. If you can’t handle the heat, get out of the kitchen.
Bad cliche :-(
3. We expect you to be the last ones to leave every night...no matter what. That’s what good summer analysts do. (Also getting in earlier than me would be a power move - You should enjoy your casual 9:15AM PT arrival time this Friday, but I wouldn’t get used to it.
Working on Wall Street will possibly drive you to suicide!
4. During your first few weeks we ask that you direct all of your questions to Michael Lomio. Tell the other summers too, Michael is industry agnostic. If you ask me a question it will be noted.
Despite coming off as approachable and understanding in this email, please make sure you resist talking to Justin Kwan.
5. Never take your jacket off at work. This is investment banking, ladies and gentlemen. Other groups may be more liberal when it comes to summer dress code, unfortunately were not
Your suit jacket is a straitjacket.
6. You will be assigned junior “mentors”. It is much appreciated if you would bring breakfast in for your respective “mentor.” Some people are more particular about this than others.
Rub your balls on your mentor’s bagel.
7. I recommend bringing a pillow to the office (yoga mat works as well). It makes sleeping under your desk alot [sic] more comfortable, in the very likely scenario that you have to do that.
This is your future as a well-paid servant willingly relinquishing the best years of your life to enrich bald shitheads who should be in prison.
8. You are expected to allocate at least half your seamless web order for group appetizers/snacks for the month of June. No questions asked. Once the 2nd years leave, you can enjoy your $25 allocations.
I don’t know what this means but it sounds like shit.
9. Have a spare tie/scarf or two around. You never know when your associate will run out of napkins.
You are property.
10. When you need to leave your desk there will be a sign out sheet outside your cubes. Please fill it out including where you went and for how long. This is important come the end of your internship
Isn’t summer great?
I hope it is clear from the rules above that the internship really is a 9-week commitment at the desk. You are here with the sole goal to impress the group enough to receive a FT offer. During my summer in the group an intern asked our staffer for a weekend off for a family reunion - he was told he could go. He was also asked to hand in his blackberry and pack up his desk.
Making money for your unfathomably rich bank is the only important thing in your life. You are sub-human.
Some of you have asked for training materials to study up on before you start. Love the enthusiasm. First, I would recommend reading the GS Elevator twitter feed for some social cues. It might be seen as a joke to some people, but around here I think many people find it insightful. Below is a link to a great read for any dress questions.
Haha you have to pay legitimate attention to a bad parody Twitter account.
Second, I have attached a fairly simple LBO for Staples. Understand this will be a bit tough for some of you without a Finance / UG business degree, but we believe in you. There’s a reason each of you was picked for the group. We expect you to give this your best shot and send us a completed LBO model with a short write up by Friday end of day. None of you will have this 100% correct, that’s expected. We also still expect you to complete a significant portion of it.
Welcome to the big leagues, boys and girls. Play time is over and it’s time to buckle up. Once you hit the desk, your lives will be your work for 9 weeks. Please respond promptly to acknowledge you’ve received this e-mail (anytime in the next half hour would be fine) and to confirm that you are onboard for the summer. We know you have access to e-mail, so there’s no way to avoid this. If I remember correctly, you are probably doing training with Sean Clovey from IT, or Market Mark from TTS.
Other than that, I look forward to meeting you all, and I hope you’re excited to join the group! We sure are looking forward to having you here!
We sure look forward to treating you like garbage.
P.S. There are a number of typos in place in the email above. These are on purpose. First person to email me back with at least 3 highlighted typos is off to a GREAT start!