In many ways the Hamptons are a typical wealthy resort town, and the crime reports tend to reflect that — you've got your garden-variety DUI's, Goldman Sachs employee arrests, and unlocked car thefts (seriously people, how hard is it to lock your goddamn cars?) — but the East End's paper of record, the East Hampton Star, has also recorded some ephemeral, bizarre, and truly poetic criminal encounters over the season.


Police were called out for the Ragamuffin Parade last Sunday but there were no cases of unruliness reported.


A Woods Lane resident called police Sunday evening, worried that he had left his coffeepot on. When police got to the house, a caretaker told them he had turned it off.


Police were warned that the actress Betty Buckley has been the victim of a stalker recently. She appeared at a Bay Street Theatre show on Saturday, but the stalker did not.

A worker at a Terry Drive site complained last week that “an old man in a blue trench coat” had yelled at him and let the air out of his tires.


The police received another call about the Huntting Lane man who has twice recently chased errant tourists off his property, waving a grass rake. This time, the man began shouting at a passing jogger, accusing her of being on his property. Police advised him to call them next time he thinks someone is trespassing.

Two men charged with aggravated drunken driving who were seated next to each other on the prisoners’ bench Sunday morning found that their families knew each other.


Late one night, an elderly resident of Egypt Close reported a prowler with a flashlight in her yard. Police concluded that what she’d seen was her neighbor turning on his lights.

The defendant [arrested for a DUI; in the Hamptons for a wedding] asked Justice Cahill if he could talk to her about getting an attorney. “Talk to the bride. She has connections,” the justice said, as she set bail at $500.


Vehicles parking for a Georgica Road yard sale drew the ire of Peter Minnick on Saturday morning. He told police that drivers were parking on his lawn and damaging the grass. Police told him that no laws were being broken and that the grass would be fine.

Only two people were charged with drunken driving last week, one in East Hampton Town and one in the village, as sure a signal as falling leaves that summer has ended.


A dog, apparently off its leash, mauled a fox at Two Mile Harbor Beach last Saturday afternoon. When police arrived the fox was dead, and the dog was gone.


If Diogenes had gone looking for an honest man on Friday afternoon, Sept. 6, he could have started and ended on Gay Lane in front of the post office. George Dracker of Dayton Lane found a large bill there, right in the middle of the road, and turned it in to police headquarters on Cedar Street, where it awaits a claimant.


A $16,000 stainless steel Rolex watch encrusted with diamonds was reported stolen by a Scarsdale, N.Y., woman last Thursday. She told police it was taken from her bag while she was at Main Beach. On Sunday police received a voicemail message from the woman, telling them she was back home and had found the watch there.


A large turtle was reported making its way across the 7-Eleven parking lot last week. By the time an officer arrived, it had reached the back of the professional building, headed toward the sandy beach beyond. No action was taken.


An East Hampton Town employee spoke to police after discovering on July 15 that a graffiti artist had drawn a portrait of the late reggae star Bob Marley and the words “One Love” and “Bob Marley” inside the men’s bathroom at Albert’s Landing Beach.


A Pleasant Lane homeowner found a large American flag on Newtown Lane on July 10. Police took charge of the flag.

A 7-year-old boy called police last Thursday, crying that his mother was missing. The child had woken from a nap and did not realize that she was on the back patio having dinner.


Police received a call on June 25 about a swan blocking the road at Ocean Avenue, and later in the day there was another report of the same swan, now said to be chasing a little girl. Officers chased the large bird into the water.

A Key West, Fla., man argued for — and won — an unusual way to beat the high cost of living in East Hampton last week: He got four days in the county jail, where the meals and beds are free.


Police received a report on May 29 that two teenagers were “making out in the park.” They left after an officer told them that Herrick Park is a “family-oriented place.”


Police were called to Egypt Close Saturday night to quell an eruption of “human noise, yelling, singing, shouting, etc.” The officer found only silence on the street, and marked the call “unfounded.”


Police investigating reported “cursing and shouting” on Newtown Lane one afternoon last week came upon a Montauk 17-year-old “who was attempting to free-style rap.” He was asked to take his artistry elsewhere, which he did.

A Wainscott woman who refused to be searched at East Hampton Town police headquarters following a car crash Sunday afternoon stripped off all her clothes in protest, according to the arrest report.


Sunday was Cinco de Mayo, which celebrates the date in 1862 that a weaker Mexican army turned back French invading forces in the city of Puebla. Sag Harbor celebrants attempted a re-enactment of the battle, with altercations that night between intoxicated men reported outside La Superica and the 7-Eleven on West Water Street.

[h/t East Hampton Star, image via Shutterstock]