We live in the era of big data, which means unprecedented insight into when and how long we jerk ourselves off. A new PornHub analysis of 2014 JO data is like looking at a giant info mirror, staring at ourselves, and then spankin' it.

The question of what we chose to masturbate to last year isn't anything notable—lesbians, MILFs, gay sisters, cum dad, big cocks, et al. What's surprising is the disparity between how long different nationalities spend tugging on themselves:

It looks like there's a direct correlation between living in a sad place and cumming real fast. Belarus, Jesus! Look at all those sub-seven minute times compared to the wealthy jerk-dudes over in Canada, Australia, and the UK—they're grooving for several minutes more on average. If anything, you might assume the opposite: the rigors of late capitalism should be distracting us from leisurely masturbating, right? If you lived in Azerbaijan, wouldn't you want to spend as much time possible lost in a streaming pornography fantasy land, and not looking out the window at Azerbaijan? Who the fuck knows what's going to happen next in the Ukraine? No time to waste.

Shoutout to South Korea, though:

In terms of which countries showed significant changes in their visit duration lengths from 2013 to 2014, South Koreans extended their stays by an impressive 140 seconds compared to last year's numbers, as they did in Turkey and Thailand, with 64 and 30 second average visit extensions each.

The wealth/beatoff relationship inverts itself, for some reason, in the United States:

Mississippi boasts some of the highest averages for both daily sleep hours and time spent working in a day. Incidentally, they also hold the current American record for longest average visit time on Pornhub, with an impressive 10 minutes and 47 seconds. They're hanging loose in Hawaii with a respectable 10:36 average visit length, alongside Arkansas at 10:11. Overall, these lengthier visits occur within the southeastern states, with the exception of Hawaii.

Chalk it up to the southern tradition of hot weather leisure time, maybe. But know this: whether they're jerking slow, or jerking fast, the whole world is blowing loads nonstop.

Photo: Shutterstock