This month, powerful baby Prince George performs his first official royal duty—an inspection of British penal colonies and their outlying areas—as he and his parents, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, spend three weeks traveling across Australia and New Zealand. During this time, will publish a selection of entries from his minder Kate Middleton's travel journals.

7 April, 2014

Set foot on New Zealand soil for the first time in my life this morning, and decided to just wear all my buttons at once because nothing makes me more anxious when traveling abroad then deciding which buttons to roll out on what days and not knowing how they will be received. We received what one might call a bit of a fright at the Wellington Airport ("HOLY fucking mother of God!" said William) when we came face-to-face with a 42-foot sculpture of a jaundiced, bleary-eyed Gollum stretching out over the food court. I am no fan of food courts, chiefly for the foods they contain, but this may be the worst I have seen (for the reason described).

From the airport, we traveled by armoured car to the residence of the Governor-General. William held the baby so that I might have a chance to look out the window at the lush countryside, and wonder about what other immense movie props my child and I will be forced to discover in its green, rolling hills. About twenty minutes into the trip, he asked if I was sure it was appropriate for a male child to wear head-to-toe white ahead of Good Friday. I closed my eyes and told him I was not available.

At the residence, we received a "traditional Maori welcome," and I did not feel awkward, as was one of my 2014 resolutions.

My God. My God.