This week a college student reportedly got himself expelled from the University of Connecticut over one of our society’s most disgusting inventions: mac and cheese. How embarrassing—I’m of course referring not to his drunken behavior, but to his base, stomach-turning craving which, I’m afraid to say, entirely justifies the school’s decision: this student is obviously unfit for society.

Because mac and cheese is an objectively gross, congealed mess of a food. It’s a bowl of noodles with nothing left to live for, drowning in a calorie-laden serving of rapidly coagulating, suspiciously orange dairy. And if we’re being honest here—and we’re being honest here—it’s not the kindest thing to your digestive system.

Of course you, the mac and cheese enthusiast, aren’t alone! Everyone makes mistakes—even Gawker employees. But it’s a new day baby, and ignorance is no excuse of the law—and here’s the law: mac and cheese sucks.

And just to clarify, I’m not talking about your grandmother’s casseroles (your ziti, your kugel, your penne a la vodka). Nor am I coming for your truffled lobster mac and cheese, because I had that once, and frankly it was delicious.

No. I’m talking good ol’ mass-produced mac and cheese. I’m talking American cheese, I’m talking Kraft, I’m talking—oh god—Velveeta liquid gold. This shit is disgusting!

But Gabrielle, you say. Taste is subjective. Plenty of kids like mac and cheese, what do you even know?

To which I say, plenty of kids liked eating lead paint, too. Don’t make it good.

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