BREAKING: Democratic Vice Presidential nominee Joe Biden is overly concerned with his appearance! The Delaware Senator's long been famous for his terrible embarrassing hair plugs, but a story out of the Washington Post today has it that Biden might have injected terrorist biological weapons into his forehead as part of some sick stunt to not look old and tired. Botox Biden! This is important hilarious breaking news, if you just arrived via time machine from one of the last two election cycles. In 2000 no one cared about anything because there were still jobs and stuff and no war and 9/11 was just a glimmer in Osama bin Laden's eye, so the Gore versus Bush campaign was mostly about how Gore was tricked into wearing Earth Tones by some emasculating feminists. Bush proudly kept dressing like a gay cowboy hustler, damn the focus groups, so he won (except he didn't but whatever). And in 2004 even though we had a war and shitty job creation it was still for some reason all about how Bush held a bullhorn on some rubble and John Kerry went windsurfing in a gay wetsuit and he looked French and also like Lurch. So! Bush won (for real for once). And honestly you can bitch about the sad end of this magical friendly bipartisan campaign we were supposed to have with these two DIFFERENT candidates who'd be so polite to one another but so far despite an amazing number of distractions the fact that people seem determined to care about "real issues" is semi-heartening. But of course "real issues" don't make for good column fodder, so a week after the New York Post floated the Biden botox story the Washington Post's gossip columnists (both of whom, it should be noted, are absolutely wonderful people) followed up with an "lol politicians are vain" piece and Drudge linked to it because the number of credible non-killer-storm items he can allow himself to link to every day is shrinking. The End.
How, we ask you, could someone named "T. Boone Pickens" possibly be bad? T. Boone is, as you have probably guessed, a Texas billionaire. An oil billionaire! But he does not spend his billions on running moonshine or buying the world's largest cement pond. No, instead Pickens-who will be played by Charles Durning for the remainder of this post-funds slanderous attack campaigns against Democratic political candidates. The campaigns feature lies so ridiculous that the only people who regularly take them seriously work at every cable news station and many newspapers.