Celebration time: Day-Two-Which-Is-Actually-Day-One of the Republican Convention is now, as we speak (type), UNDERWAY in Tampa, a hot parking lot located in a swing state. We can assure you that our investigations have revealed that absolutely no one, including those in official capacities, know where the fuck they are supposed to go right now. Here are a few of the most crucial "insider" factoids that you will need to know about this vital U.S. political institution going forward:
Last night, Obama's main opponent in the West Virginia Democratic primary was perennial presidential candidate Keith Judd, a prisoner in Texas who describes himself as a "Rastafarian-Christian." But Judd did a little bit better than expected — to the tune of 40% of the vote. Which means it's time to start answering the question on everyone's lips: should Keith Judd be Mitt Romney's running mate?
Last night's white glower rally in Michigan was supposed to tell us something novel and important, instead of mumbling vague phrases we've heard before. This time, we thought, a GOP primary vote would be decisive, recasting the narrative for the future, solidifying positions and increasing momentum.
America's screaming, LOLCat conscience has finally found a suitable outlet in Hank, a Virginia cat that is running for Senate. Hank, an independent, is running against former Virginia governors George Allen and Tim Kaine. If you're feeling inspired, you can sign up to be one of Hank's volunteer phone bankers here, and then you can seek psychological help elsewhere.