ATLANTIC CITY, N.J. — There are about as many ideas about how to save Atlantic City as there are residents of Atlantic City (39,551). I don’t say that hyperbolically. When I was there this past weekend every single person I talked to knew exactly what was wrong with it and how to fix it: it’s either Trump’s fault, or the lack of Trump, or because too many casinos opened, or because the casinos aren’t fancy enough—many don’t offer luxury massages and club experiences like in Las Vegas. Or it’s because the city’s inherently gritty casinos tried to be fancy and that was a bad idea. If Atlantic City just goes back to its roots, some people said, perhaps it could be the seedy, smoke-filled pleasure capital of the northeast once again.
The Revel Hotel and Casino—better known as the Jersey Shore's last, desperate attempt to hide its stale cigarette smell with a spritz of cloying eau de toilette—lost big today. The still-shiny-and-new $2.5 billion property plans to shut down next month, confirming once and for all that the Atlantic City dream is dead.
Atlantic City: the biggest shithole on the East Coast, where blocks of open-air crack markets immediately give way to cut-rate seedy casinos full of doomed and hopeless poverty-level day trippers in a geographic continuum of vice and despair unequaled anywhere in its chemical spill-laden state of New Jersey. Now it's easier to have your wedding there. Alert your spouse-to-be.
desperate deluxe Trump Taj Mahal Casino Resort in gross glamorous Atlantic City features the best of everything, naturally. But now guests at Donald Trump's vomit-tinted Xanadu can look as great as the Taj makes them feel, as the hotel is awarding a $25,000 plastic surgery gift certificate to one lucky card player, good for "mix and match surgeries, including breast enhancements, tummy tucks, liposuction and face lifts." But why go so run-of-the-mill, when you could instead use that money to have the hair from a giraffe's nutsack grafted directly onto your scalp, which you might then style in a fetching, comb-forwarded fashion that's sure to excite your mail-ordered, Slovenian succubus bride? You do deserve the best, after all. [AP, photo via Getty]
Since last December, some dude named Don Johnson from Pennsylvania has been single-handedly beating the crap out of Atlantic City casinos. So far he's won over $15 million from just three: Borgata, Tropicana, and Caesars Palace. The Press of Atlantic City caught up with Johnson, and corroborated his claims with casino officials.
For the most important sociological experiment of our time, we must observe our seven guidos not only in environments they are comfortable in, but abroad as well. Still, it as in their native habitat where they truly flourish.