Inside today’s Wall Street Journal and New York Times are two different, full-page ads about essentially nothing draped in the rhetoric of social justice written by what I imagine was a third party branding agency at the behest of a CEO in order to promote the pseudo-advocacy of a sprawling American coffee chain. We live in dumb, predictable times.
The brands were out in full force during Sunday’s Superbowl, reaching the eyeballs of millions of consumers with millions of dollars. Mountain Dew took a novel tack, attempting to create the most grotesque, unsettling, and plain awful character of all (worse, even, than Norm MacDonald’s Colonel Sanders): PuppyMonkeyBaby.
Moments after the Supreme Court guaranteed everyone in the country the right to marry the person of their choosing this past Friday, gay America’s greatest allies sprung into action, loudly broadcasting their support for the decision. Without a thought to detractors, without a worry about the shrinking minority of people who oppose same-sex marriage, brands everywhere stood up and took a brave stand by changing their Twitter avatars to include rainbows.
Remember the ‘90s? When you were an innocent incorruptible babe, hermetically sealed from the ills of the world around you, and your mom dragged you to that outdoor John Cougar Mellencamp concert because she couldn’t find a babysitter? And she got a little drunker than she meant to and tried to get you to climb on the picnic table and dance with her like This song has a great beat! but you didn’t want to like Ugh, come ON mom? Now you’re the mom. Congratulations, mom.
Our depleted, dried-up culture craves teen juice for nourishment. We’ve assumed that because we are tired and aching, we can absorb teenage youth-spirit through social media osmosis, a hot stem cell injection for our whole existence. But what if teens suck just as much as we do?