Chelsea Clinton, a woman who was paid $600,000 per year by a television network just to be named "Chelsea Clinton," has been doing some soul-searching. "I was curious if I could care about [money] on some fundamental level, and I couldn't," she says. "That wasn't the metric of success I wanted in my life."
Ronan Farrow—the 25 year-old Rhodes Scholar, Yale Law School grad, UNICEF spokesman, advisor to Hillary Clinton and the Obama administration, recognized Twitter user, and son of Mia Farrow and either Woody Allen or Frank Sinatra—has his powder blue eyes fixed on you, TV watcher, right this second. Don’t look away.
"Africa is so beautiful! Everyone MUST visit at least one time in their life!" says Chester "Chet" Hanks "Haze," the rapping 22 year-old scion of an immensely wealthy A-list Hollywood movie star, in his inimitable declarative style. Here he is, pictured above, posing in a typical African dwelling amid local flora and fauna.
Okay, here is the ABSOLUTELY TRUE setup to the jokes which you are about to hear: Chester M. "Chet Haze" Hanks is the Northwestern University-educated son of multimillionaire Oscar-winning Hollywood superstar Tom Hanks. The very definition of a self-made man, in other words. And he's a rapper. Haha. But wait, scratch that—now he's an R&B singer. Haha. I know. Here's his new single. Haha. Stop it, wait, we're getting to the point here. So anyhow, Chet Haze is active on Twitter, for the fans. If you haven't been reading in the past few days, you've missed out, yo:
Northwestern University theater major and former Los Angeles resident Chester "Chet" "Chet Haze" Hanks caused a minor uproar yesterday when he took a brave stand on the Twitter against bullying victims who commit suicide. Alas, thanks to the pussyassness of the world at large, Chet has been forced to apologize.
So then, let's all, in unison, read this thing written on the Twitter yesterday (and then deleted) by Chet Haze, the best rapping son of an Academy Award winner Northwestern University has seen since Peter Fonda drunkenly performed "My Adidas" on the quad in 1986. This could be Chet Haze's most controversial piece of Twitter wisdom since "What's your sex playlist called? Mines called 'we fuckin' LOL I'm serious tho."
Last year, NBC News hired Chelsea Clinton to "report" on things for them, because here in America, major news networks are purely in the entertainment business and the privileges of dynastic nepotism will get you everywhere. That is why she was hired. Because of who her parents are. It has nothing to do with her abilities, or the concept of "journalism." I'm sure she's nice and smart and all. But that is not why she was hired by NBC News. Okay? Now. How is that going?