As Diane Sawyer would say, "People around the world diiiiiiiiiiie—literally, die" for the right to vote. How do some Americans choose to wield this power so many have sacrificed their lives to obtain? By voting for Santa Claus. Or Mickey Mouse. Or a Korean-pop dance style that mimics a constipated jockey riding a horse.
In a "public service announcement" posted on YouTube over the weekend, formerly beloved action hero Chuck Norris and his wife Gena don't mince words in their warning to evangelical Christians that allowing President Obama to be re-elected would mean certain gloom and doom of apocalyptic proportions.
Newt Gingrich is going to win the South Carolina presidential primary tomorrow. Not just because he yelled at two debate moderators for asking him debate questions this week, which brought him up about 20 percentage points in the polls. That wasn't enough to close the deal. But now that television survivalist Chuck Norris has endorsed him in a meditative World Net Daily piece, Romney's got no chance.
Like the first in this explosive, guns and skull ridden movie, the Expendables sequel is all about the cast. This ensemble group of all stars comes together in one throbbing, heaping helping of testosterone, making this about as actiony a movie as an action movie can get. It's a caricature of the ultimate action flick, like a Snakes on a Plane meta-movie in that everybody- viewers, actors and filmmakers alike- are all in on the joke. If Hollywood were a box of toys, each of these guys is an action figure from a different comic book or TV show that you love, who come together in the sandbox for the ultimate showdown. Chuck Norris is in this for God sakes.
The only reason most people bother purchasing Internet service is to read actor Chuck Norris' insane right wing political columns, which are syndicated on an array of terrible liar websites like World Net Daily and Townhall.com. But now you can just print out what's already been written and cancel that service, because he's probably already published everything that would appear in future columns.
Real estate legend Barbara Corcoran turns 60 today. Nobuyuki Matsuhisa is turning 60 today, too. Sharon Stone is 51. Record producer Rick Rubin is turning 46. Model Eva Herzigova is 36. Timbaland is 38. Prince Edward is 45. Edie Brickell is turning 43. Carrie Underwood is 26. Mad Men star Jon Hamm is 38. CNBC's David Faber is turning 45. Actress Olivia Wilde is 25. Chuck Norris is 69. And deep in a cave on the border of Afghanistan and Pakistan, Osama bin Laden is celebrating his 52nd birthday.
If there's one thing Chuck Norris is good for, it's the 1995 canine buddy cop movie Top Dog. If there are two things Chuck Norris is good for, we would have to think long and hard to come up with a second thing, as we've already disavowed the campy appeal found in Walker: Texas Ranger (for it led to Paul Haggis) and Norris's political endorsements (for it led to this). Still, Norris continues to press on with the politics, and now he has contributed an article to the conservative website Town Hall that bashes gay people rallying against Proposition 8. It is entitled, "If Democracy Doesn't Work, Try Anarchy." Let's have a look!
Don't be a sucker. Those complicated, long-winded explanations of the worldwide financial crisis are just a lot of big city hokum. Fortunately, your good buddies Mike Huckabee and Chuck Norris are here to set the record straight: It's a dark, shadowy conspiracy between the fat cats on Wall Street, the elitists in Washington, and the nefarious Red Chinese who are secretly stealing our oil off the Florida coast! Huffpo's Rachel Sklar learned the awful truth from Huckabee's new talk show on Fox last night. Huckabee's got a "friend" who tells him this whole mess is the result of "financial terrorism": "Just today, a friend of mine in the financial markets indicated that he's been doing a careful analysis of the last 12 days, and there seems to be a manipulation of the marketplace - at the last half-hour of each day, there is an extraordinary rush of computerized trading going on. He believes that there may, in fact, be evidence of economic terrorism that is fueling a lot of what's going on. Now it's a fascinating idea, that if somebody could break down the world economy, it would have a greater impact that any bomb ever set off. It seems to be there is plausible argument for it." But, Norris sagely points out, don't forget the Chinese! "Oh yeah, I think - oh definitely, Mike. The thing is, China has one and a half trillion dollars* of our debt. Now, what did we give China for collateral for that one and a half trillion dollars? So the thing is, you know, with our government - what did - what secret deal did they get, give China, said, 'Well, you know, ah, we won't tell the people but you can drill 50 miles off the Florida shore, and do a slant drilling into our oil in Florida,' you know - so a lot of things are going on underhandedly that we the people don't know, and that's why it's so important, Mike, that we the people get the power back. We need a voter revolution in our country." (audience applause) Also? When Congress took off for the Jewish Holidays, they were really Christmas shopping, and Barack Obama is big on infanticide. Read it here.
While the Tina Fey-as-Sarah Palin cold opening attracted some of Saturday Night Live's best notices in years (and best ratings, too — it was the highest-rated season premiere since the 2001 opener following the 9/11 attacks), nothing else that followed had quite the same water cooler buzz. However, if the show had been able to stick to its original plan, there would have been at least one other moment that would have had people talking: a Barack Obama cameo. Though the presidential candidate was forced to cancel due to Hurricane Ike, Michaels reveals to the Washington Post exactly how he would have been used (and what other surprise celebrities got involved as a result):
Have you seen any of those dozens of YouTube videos where a dude in a lab coat puts random things in a blender and proves that, yes, they will blend? It's a successful viral advertising project! So successful that the company claims that "sales have risen 600% since the videos started." The Times points out that most of the company's customer base is commercial, so it's highly unlikely the videos themselves are the reason for the increase. Still, this god damn blender company, of all things, is savvy enough to team up with AT&T to blend an iPhone, and to get itself into the top search results for "Chuck Norris" by blending an action figure, so you have to give them some props, ridiculous though their strategy is. After the jump, watch pop culture things blend for murky reasons:
It's that time of year when institutions of higher learning heartlessly eject their seniors into the real world! Princeton grads were treated to the best speech of the season; Stephen Colbert delivered a zinger-filled address (above) in which he wisely reminded grads that "no one will ever, ever want to hear you sing a capella" outside college. How true. But plenty of other colleges tapped A through Z-list celebs to brace their soon-to-be-discharged students for entry into the workforce.
The 24 hours since Wesley Snipes's three-year prison sentence for tax evasion have allowed for some perspective-gathering among the crack legal analysts at Defamer HQ. Sifting through the wreckage, we think we've discovered the key weak spots in the Snipes defense that, if only someone had acted sooner, could have kept our 18th (19th?) favorite action star a free man. Don't let this happen to you; follow the jump for a glimpse at the Chuck Norris factor and other Achilles' heels in Snipes's strategy.
The new "Kilroy was here" tag among U.S. troops involves Chuck Norris, Reuters reports. He's become something of a folk hero: "A small cardboard shrine is dedicated to Norris at a U.S. military helicopter hub in Baghdad, and comments lauding the manliness and virility of the actor have been left on toilet walls across Iraq and even in neighboring Kuwait." One tag reads, "Chuck Norris divides by zero." Well, it's literally a hellish war zone over there, so whatever keeps you sane (and pups safe), you know? [Reuters]
As I've mentioned, LOLcats is just a cuter version of Caturday, an old forum tradition of posting cat pictures with captions in broken English on Saturdays. Caturday itself is just a more formal version of the image macros that have floated around ever since the Internet found pictures. Every popular Internet meme is in fact a lamer version of a more obscure one, including Lazy Sunday, the Rickroll, Badger Badger Badger, Hot or Not, Ask a Ninja, and Chuck Norris Facts. I've traced them back to their edgier ancestors.
For anyone with even a remotely legitimate interest in yesterday's historic Iowa caucus, we refer you to our Beltway brothers' coverage over at Wonkette. We, on the other hand, are purely fixated on how the celebrity factor figures into Barack Obama and Mike Huckabee being handed such landslide mandates for change from voters in the corn-shucking state. Huckabee's acceptance speech—capped by a funky improvisational jazz bass performance loosely inspired by the Barney Miller theme—was greeted by longtime kung-fu sparring companion Chuck Norris, hovering over his shoulder with the kind of warmly proud look one typically associates with future First Ladies. The Democratic side, meanwhile, benefited from a far bustier and less hirsute celebrity endorsement: