Portuguese football stud Cristiano Ronaldo was recently convinced, either by a lot of money or some sort of solemn blood debt, to endorse a Japanese product called the Facial Fitness PAO, a workout device for your face. As you can see in this commercial, a PAO session involves cramming a bite-plate with wings into your mouth and bobbing your head like you're fellating the Golden Snitch.
Kim Kardashian dressed up as Poison Ivy for Halloween and is divorcing her husband. Demi Moore dressed up as a divorcee. Lindsay Lohan is wearing an innocent nun's costume, Jessica Simpson is rocking an "immaculate conception" look, and Taylor Swift is going as a nude photo scandal. Monday's gossip doesn't know if it's a trick or a treat.
• Rihanna is expected to speak about her alleged beating by Chris Brown for the first time this afternoon when she takes the witness stand at a preliminary hearing in Los Angeles. [NYDN, NYP]
• Both Katie Lee Joel and her rumored paramour, designer Yigal Azrouel, continue to deny reports that an affair ended Lee's marriage to Billy Joel. But Azrouel seems to have a rep for being something of a ladies man: He's "been known to sleep with fashion editors who can help his career." [P6]
• Sarah Jessica Parker was pulled over in the Hamptons. The trooper told her that her lights were off; she turned them on; and all ended well. Yay. [P6]
• Just when you thought Lindsay Lohan couldn't do anything to surprise you: It seems $400,000 worth of Christian Dior jewelry went missing following an Elle photo shoot in London. The last person to see it? That would be Lohan, who is now being sought by investigators for questioning. [NYDN, TMZ]
• Despite rumors to the contrary, Marc Jacobs and Lorenzo Martone did not get married in Provincetown last weekend. It'll go down later this summer, however. [WWD]
• Adrian Grenier was seen "getting cozy" with Twilight star Ashley Greene. [P6]
• Paris Hilton says she's just getting to know soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo. Her definition of "know" is probably different from yours. [Mirror]
• Paris Hilton reportedly broke up with boyfriend Doug Reinhardt after she saw him partying with a "Texas beauty queen" named Kendhal Beal. The heiress responded by throwing a fit (and some fruit and ice in Beal's direction). But don't you worry about Paris. She's got her dependable sister by her side. And she's already moved on to someone new, namely soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo. [P6, People]
• Madonna will be performing her Kabbalah rituals today with an extra bit of enthusiasm: Malawi's highest court has overturned its previous ruling and has granted her adoption of Mercy James. Justice to the people! [DM]
• Dr. Drew Pinsky of Celebrity Rehab is offering Lindsay Lohan six figures to appear on his VH1 reality show. But only because he cares deeply about her well-being, not because he's interested in ratings or anything. [NYP]