Seriously? Seriously. Fuck, okay: the country sits on the precipice of the Greatest Depression and Barack Obama is slated to share his elliptical regimen for a Men's Health cover story. Yes, the presidential candidate Barack Obama; yes, the magazine edited by the guy who can't spell Barack Obama but that totally doesn't matter because his diet book is becoming a multimillion dollar lifestyle brand, dudes! Um, congrats Obama Campaign! You have officially (through no fault of your own) reached a nadir, no "ha."STOP TALKING ABOUT HOW YOUNG AND VIGOROUS YOU ARE. For one thing, the American public does not be able to read above a second grade level to notice that John McCain is fucking old. For another thing, a lot of them do not know how to read above a second grade level so you are going to have to work extra hard to explain this financial crisis to them. McCain just backed out of your Friday debate; good, no one wants to watch that shit on Friday in times like this anyway. Use this time. Remember all that crap you said about Ronald Reagan being a "transformative" candidate the way he shifted the national debate so irretrievably to the right? You got shit for that, but you were right. Never again would a federal government possess the ideological capital to tax the wealthy or regulate their engines of wealth creation to a societally optimal degree. UNTIL NOW. But no one's making sense right now. No one is capturing this quite clearly. No one is capable of synthesizing this particular historical watershed in way that can build the political capital necessary to reshape American ideology the way you can. And we have to reshape our ideology, in order to get Americans on both sides of the aisle to get on the same page about the gravity of national problems more complex than, like, the Obesity Epidemic. So please, DO IT. Write a speech. Make it good. I know you are tired; I know you are worn out. But so was John McCain when his plane got shot down and he broke those three limbs and he had to swim eleven miles so the North Vietnamese could commence refusing to set his fractures and shit! Don't forget that! Get a good night sleep, and focus! And think about skipping the workout. People always say working out "gives" them energy but actually scientifically that is less true than saying that cutting capital gains taxes and repealing short-selling regulations "helps" the working class.
God, Ben Widdicombe—could you be any more obvious in that "blind item" in today's Daily News? Um: "Which inexplicable media star (blame www.Gawker.com for that) likes to boast that she let a certain handsome men's magazine editor, who is also much in the gossip columns, get to third base during a dinner at [downtown eatery] Balthazar?"
The "Magabrands" concept that Men's Health editor David Zinczenko is hawking down in Boca at the American Magazine Conference doesn't seem to have the cachet of, say, Oprah's vajayjay. Of nine editor types interviewed by Portfolio media mediator Jeff Bercovici, only one (tawdry Jason Binn of Niche Media, who was on the planning committee) didn't disavow the word. The rest—everyone from Chris Napolitano, the editorial director of Playboy to Sid Evans, editor of Garden and Gun—lambasted the word. [Portfolio]
Former White House spokesbot Tony Snow will be the keynote speaker at the American Magazine Conference in Boca Raton, Florida at the end of the month. Men's Health editor David Zinczenko, the AMC 2007 chairman, is super jazzed about it. But should he be? Former keynote speakers included former President Bill Clinton, former future presidents Barack Obama and John McCain. Tony Snow was a regular guest host for the Rush Limbaugh Show and frontman for the band "Beats Workin'." He did, as Zinczenko made sure to mention, survive the cancer that God so unjustly gave him. Who else is speaking in Boca, and why?
· Norman Mailer: "Updike and Roth and Bellow aren't in the papers all the time. When they are, it's because they're writing about something. If I'm in the papers, it's because Page Six has got me urinating between two cars when a cop goes by." [Page Six]
· The NYT on Suzan Lori Parks' new play, "Fuckin' A": "The title of this play cannot be printed." [Page Six]
· Socialite Georgette Mosbacher is looking for a gas mask for her dog. She says she found one on the Internet in Israel, but she needs someone to "buy one there and bring it back." [Page Six]
· NY Mag's "Intelligencer" columnist Marc Malkin will host the first-ever "Chicago" sing-along at Chelsea Clearview Cinemas on Wednesday. Drag queens will be on hand to "inspire" the audience. [Page Six]
· Men's Health Editor David Zinczenko is featured in an article by Anna David in this month's Playboy in which she refers to him as "Magazine Guy" and details an encounter she had with him that was not sex "according to the Clintonian definition." [NY Daily News]
Have they no decency? Quicker than Art Cooper's tears can dry, the media commentators are handicapping the race to succeed him as editor of GQ. Keith Kelly is offering odds.
· Dylan Jones, editor-in-chief of British GQ: 2-to-1 favorite
· David Zinczenko of Men's Health, although he's taken himself out of the running: 5-to-1
· Michael Hirschorn, past editor of Spin: 10-to-1
· Kurt Andersen, resting at public radio: 35-to-1
· David Kamp, a VF editor: 35-to-1
· Maer Roshan, if Radar doesn't fix: 50-to-1
· Glenda Bailey of Harpers, because SALTYT thinks it's time a lad's mag had a woman editor.