Ted Cruz may never be president, but there is one thing the American public can’t withhold from him—a debate forum. Today, he tested his skills on a random Trump supporter, who answered each of Cruz’s arguments with a salient counterpoint: Who cares?
The dialogue during the Republican presidential debate on Saturday evening got heated. So heated, in fact, that it devolved into an entirely different language, giving everyone in the audience a fun glimpse at the Spanish skills of the candidates who want to expel many of this country’s Spanish-speaking residents.
North Korea confirmed on Sunday that it launched a satellite into space in the early morning, calling the move “peaceful,” despite no one believing that for a second.
The undercard of tonight’s GOP debate (yes, another one) began at 6 p.m. on Fox News, a time when very few people are at home engaging with their televisions. The debates are so openly pointless that Rand Paul didn’t even bother to show up to this one, choosing instead to do anything other than listen to Rick Santorum’s fossilized god warrior shtick for the hundredth time.
After nearly three hours of monotone droning by a bunch of sweaty old people who will almost certainly never be president, tonight’s Republican debate finally delivered with a bizarre question about potential Secret Service names that produced incredibly absurd answers from every single candidate.
Imagine a drama kid—without good looks, singing or dancing ability, who wants to be president, is pretty sure your opinions suck, and thinks you’re an idiot. You just imagined a college parliamentary debater. And who do college parliamentary debaters think are irritating, pitiful jagoffs? In the 1990s, it was Ted Cruz.
According to Twitter, the vice presidential debate was entirely more lively than the first presidential debate. According to Joe Biden, the vice presidential debate was very funny—nay, hilarious. The current VP chuckled almost every time Paul Ryan opened his mouth. But who can blame him when Ryan changed his mind at least three times over the course of the debate, still could not produce numbers to back up his tax plan, and basically said that his reason for wanting to outlaw abortion is that his daughter once looked like a bean? Seriously.
The vice presidential debates are tonight. We expect and assume that, as in most elections, the debates—and the subsequent election—will be decided primarily upon the basis of which candidate most fully embodies the wise teachings of Gawker Media fitness columns. Well, shut it down, Biden has won, no need to show up today, might as well stay home and moisturize, "SNOWFLAKE" Ryan.