When you think of "things that self-aggrandizing assholes like," you may think of flashy jewelry, or exotic sports cars, or misquoting The Art of War. True enough. But there is no single signifier more characteristic of the upwardly mobile, ostentatious yet fundamentally insecure, braggart asshole male than an expensive fucking watch. See this? It's a Breitling, bro. Don't touch.
Let us stipulate, as gentlemen and gentlewomen, that food can generally be divided into two separate and distinct categories: Sweet foods, and Salty (or Savory) foods. Accepting momentarily this fundamental bifurcation, we turn our attention, as we do so often, to nuts. Nuts. Are they a salty food, or a sweet food? The answer is not so simple.
Glasses-adjusting New York Times-version-of-a-Republican David Brooks is a highly talented political columnist-craftsman, in the sense that he is able to lay a thin veneer of pop psychology-varnish over even the most cracked glass coffee table of intellectualism* (*David Brooks-style mishmash alert). Today, Brooks puts forth his most breathtaking ideological prescription yet: our leaders should always be doing opposite things at all times.
There are few things more delightful than waking up on an average Monday morning here in Post-Racial America to the following real headline from a column in Ad Age: "Hats Off to the Soft-Drink Industry for Giving Attention to Hispanics and Blacks." Hats off to you, marketers of nutrition-free sugar water! You are trying to sell your product to minorities. You are all the real heroes.
Why did the chicken cross the road? For eons, philosophers have debated the question, because that is philosophers' idea of a "funny" riff on their own weighty profession, which is why most philosophers are not "chick magnets." Well, we're happy to report that the question has finally been answered.