Cops and prosecutors in Manassas City, Va. have gone insane trying to prosecute a 17-year-old boy for sexting his 15-year-old girlfriend. According to a report from The Washington Post, they want to force the boy to become erect, take photos of his penis, and compare those photos to his original sexts.
As any self-respecting gamer would, Ice-T—a rapper and reality show star who also helps Mariska Hargitay solve sex crimes on TV—has a celebratory dance that he does upon successfully completing a level in his favorite video games, which includes Call of Duty. His dance involves his dick. Does yours involve your dick?
Kanye West posted the official video for the Yeezus single "Black Skinhead" on his official site. [Update: MTV News points out that the site on which the video was posted is actually a Universal Music Group "development" page.] It features a CGI Kanye dancing to song's Gary Glitter-esque shuffle. It's bad. Really bad. It looks kind of like The Sims or maybe an interstitial from Tekken 2. It's definitely not polished enough for Just Dance. "This is that goon shit / Fuck up your whole afternoon shit," snarls Kanye, but this video wouldn't even fuck up your brunch.
Dicks: Many people have them and some people are them and some people are them but do not have them and some people do have them but are not them. Today, our challenge is to determine whether or not actor Jesse Eisenberg, inventor of starring in The Social Network, is a dick or merely has one.
Stars: They're just like us! Their boyfriends have pearls in their dicks! They go grocery shopping with their boyfriends with pearls in their dicks! They visit the planetarium with their boyfriends with pearls in their dicks! They decide to try a new restaurant with their boyfriends with pearls in their dicks and when they get there the service is really terrible and they're like (kind of annoyed) "Where did you find this place?" and their boyfriends with pearls in their dicks are like "I looked it up on Yelp. It got good reviews" and then they look it up on Yelp and realize that restaurant has two locations. ! Demi Moore's new boyfriend has a pearl in his dick.
Everybody knows the rules of binge drinking and bro-habitating: When you pass out anywhere beside your bed after a night of beer bongs and body shots and yelling at sports, you are fair game for a variety of pranks. You may wake up surrounded by stupidly placed bananas, or with cigarettes up your nose, or bearing a crude map of pee-pees all over your forehead. This is just the way it is.
Fat dick Roger Ailes is the subject of a deeply, deeply terrible new biography by magazine writer Zev Chafets. You can gauge its value by the fact that Chafets saw fit to acknowledge his "debt" to Fox News chief flack Brian Lewis, who, when he's not busy feeding Chafets bullshit about Roger Ailes, has been orchestrating a smear campaign against people who are writing less adoring biographies of Fox's Dear Leader. It took me about 30 minutes of reading before I came across the book's first documentable lie from Ailes: His claim that he was never paid to be Richard Nixon's message guru and tie-picker.
Meet Maurizio and Roberto Viel. They are twin brothers who co-own a plastic surgery practice and have performed multiple procedures on one another to increase their resemblance. (Maurizio gave Roberto a nose job; Roberto plumped Maurizio's face.) One surgery they have not performed on each other, however, is their practice's specialty: Penis enlargement.
Interested in celebrity dick size? Boy, do I have the book for you: Celebrities with Big Dicks like Jay-Z, Liam Neeson, Colin Farrell, and Many More, edited by one Dana Rasmussen. It's out of stock right now on Amazon—I bought the last copy—but you can order one of three used copies available, starting at the low price of $37.73 (plus shipping).
"When you become famous, you've got like a year or two where you act like a real asshole," Bill Murray told Tom Shales and James Miller when they interviewed him for Live from New York, their oral history of Saturday Night Live. "You can't help yourself. It happens to everybody. You've got like two years to pull it together — or it's permanent." He was talking, of course, about Chevy Chase, his opponent in a famous backstage fistfight. The two are friendly now, and it seems as though Murray wanted to imply that Chase had "pulled himself together" following his sudden rise to fame.
Corrupt falafelateer Bill O'Reilly loves nothing more than a good old-fashioned ambush interview. Except when he's the ambushee, in which case he will attack you with his umbrella and try to have you arrested. That's what he did last night when an activist armed with a video camera caught him apparently leaving a Newt Gingrich fundraiser.