Krazy Fish Only Ate Kit Kats!

Hamilton Nolan · 08/02/11 08:07AM

You think the world is a boring and cruel place and then one day you wake up on an absolutely normal morning and you look on the internet and there is a story about a Gourami fish who was living on a diet of nothing but chocolate. A fish named Gary! Why isn't Gary eating his grapes at the aquarium like a normal Gourami?

Gwyneth Paltrow Shamed Ross the Intern Into Losing Weight

Richard Lawson · 06/14/11 01:56PM

Ross Matthews, Jay Leno's former dandy jester turned Chelsea Lately panelist, recently lost a bunch of weight. Good for him! How'd he do it? Through terrible shame. Terrible shame instilled in him by none other than diamond willow reed Gwyneth Paltrow.

The Real Reason Gay Men Don't Get Fat

Brian Moylan · 06/13/11 04:33PM

New York gay about town and Barneys creative director Simon Doonan just sold a manuscript for a diet book called Gay Men Don't Get Fat. While this is true, the real reason why gay men don't get fat might not be the most marketable message.

Breastfeed or Your Baby Will Die

Hamilton Nolan · 06/13/11 03:53PM

Fat man surgery! Epilepsy drugs! Apple poison! DASH diet! Survival rates! Zany parenting! Pet allergies! Medication overdose! And breastfeeding because you love life! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—voraciously!

Salt: Not So Bad After All?

Hamilton Nolan · 05/04/11 10:17AM

For years, so-called "health experts" on the teevee have been saying "blah, blah, blah." That's really all we hear. We block that stuff out. But when we go back and watch the TiVo, they were saying "Stop eating so much salt, salt will kill you and give you a heart attack, just cut it with the salt, what are you a deer at a salt lick?"

Crazy People Make Crazy Soldiers, Says Science

Hamilton Nolan · 05/03/11 04:07PM

Diet food! Omega-3 death! Hormone gel! Sex health! Big belly! Fat dementia! Deadly tomatoes! Mental soldiers! And outta control asthma! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—no examinations necessary!

Voracious Americans Demand More Calories in Snak Paks

Hamilton Nolan · 04/21/11 02:53PM

Cookie monsters! Fewer french fries! Cancer exercise! Lo-carb crapola! Dumb dieters! Daniel Baldwin's workout! Grip strength! Dip belts! Inspirational marathoners! And a NYSC dance instructor must be rehired at once! It's your Thursday Fitness Watch, where we watch fitness—feverishly!

Catholic Ladies All Taking Birth Control on the Sexy Sly

Hamilton Nolan · 04/14/11 04:34PM

Boner pills! Cellphone cancer! Hospital infections! Leukemia drugs! Stillborn babies! Diet memory! Bipolar celebrities! Stank medications! And sexxxy news from 'neath the robes of Catholic womendom! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—against god's wishes!

Dogs Only Sniff You for Your Own Good

Hamilton Nolan · 02/02/11 04:07PM

Diet drug failure! Dogs sniff cancer! Tonsil weight gain! Fantasy camp aging! Workouts destroy marriage! HIV teen pregnancy! Nevada hates children! And table saws kill! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health.

Government's Plea to Eat Less Drowned Out by Chewing Sounds

Hamilton Nolan · 01/31/11 04:27PM

Eating instructions! Stair running! Five Hour Energy! Ballet bodies! Polar bear workout! Polio elimination! Winter blues! Exercise brain! Diabetes everywhere! As well as racist doctors! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—again and again, unsuccessfully!

Science Reveals: Guys Love Lesbians

Hamilton Nolan · 01/28/11 03:21PM

People fossils! Dinosaur fossils! Sexy science! Cheating ladies! Lucky black hearts! Weights losing weight! Faraway planets! Implant perils! Monster alfalfa! And black holes that trip you out! It's your Friday Science Watch, where we watch science—with forgiveness!

New Diet Trend: Vaporizing Food and Inhaling It

Maureen O'Connor · 01/27/11 04:40PM

Anorexics, rejoice: With asthma inhalers and vaporizers, inventor David Edwards turns physical food into a cloud, which dieters inhale to "sate chocolate or caffeine cravings" with no more than a single calorie. This is straight out of a futuristic farce.

Girl, You Think You're Cool Until You Get Breast Cancer

Hamilton Nolan · 01/25/11 12:27PM

Diet fads! Out of control kids! Food labels for dummies! Independent stomachs! Cancer vs. cancer! Old doctors! Killer pets! And smoke insinuating itself into your breasts! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—scolding, always!

Obama's Diet Secret: Tapeworms

Maureen O'Connor · 01/19/11 11:24AM

The National Enquirer knows why President Obama is "scary skinny": He's "secretly battling stomach parasites." Worms slurping at the lining of your stomach: hot new D.C. diet craze! We hear Joe Biden swears by the festering maggot cleanse. [Previously]

Kids Love Weed More Than Sugar

Hamilton Nolan · 12/14/10 03:22PM

Vitamin sleep! Radiation babies! Sugar cereal! Fat Scots! Hotel workouts! Soda tax! Alzheimer's explanations! And the war on drugs pays off! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—if you can call it that!

Are Our Soldiers Using the Proper Crash Diets?

Hamilton Nolan · 12/08/10 04:25PM

Discount drugs! Energy drinks! Capitol Hill junk food! Cancer moneymakers! Meditation depression! Food allergies! Youth sports fat! Baby thumb fat! Soldier fat! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—dipped in Icy Hot, furiously skipping rope!