Today is Flag Day, America's most important holiday. And while it might seem like a good idea to wear flag wings over your bikini or use a tattered Old Glory as a summer blouse, such actions are illegal. But because there's no enforcement or punishment for hurting the American flag, freedom is constantly under assault.
At the 1886 ceremony celebrating the official opening of New York's Statue of Liberty, president Grover Cleveland declared that the statue's torchlight would "pierce the darkness of ignorance and man's oppression until Liberty enlightens the world." And it has! At least for those of you have been properly screened, for terror death bombs.
If you have a keen memory, you may recall that U.S. president and Hellfire missile proponent Barack Obama once promised to close down our prison at Guantanamo Bay, where hope and civil rights go to die. That never happened, of course. But now, Obama has a golden opportunity to shut that motherfucker down.
Here's video of UC-Santa Cruz student Gennady Tsarinsky, 25, getting his "2 pound" (or maybe "2.5 pound") joint jacked by a buzzkill campus narc on 4/20. "Dude, we're going to court, man. We're totally going to court," you can hear Tsarinsky say, just before getting hauled in for possession. So he was right!
No law enforcement agency in the world is better than our own FBI when it comes to thwarting terror plots that never would have come to fruition anyhow, because they consisted mainly of pitiful people sitting around boasting to FBI informants. The latest triumph by our domestic anti-terror heroes: saving America from a bunch of old Georgia loons who sat around the Waffle House talking about their big assassination ideas.
Here's a video of normal-sized middle-aged female journalist Amy Goodman being arrested by multiple hulking stick-wielding riot police dressed in full body armor at the Republican National Convention in 2008. Sometimes you just have to laugh at the police state. Hey guys, are there enough of you there, you think? What if she scratches your eyeballs?!
Half a century ago, heroes like Martin Luther X and Rose Park risked their lives by marching on top of lunch counters so that kids of all races would one day have the right to catch a few "Z's" in class while the teacher showed a filmstrip of the "I Have a Dream" speech. And how do kids these days repay those civil rights heroes? By not knowing a damn thing about them.
Look at this cow making a break for it! This cow ran away from a slaughterhouse in Queens on Wednesday! This cow is running down a street called "Liberty Avenue," no joke! Run, cow, run!
What's the latest terrible news from Arizona, America's dirt backyard? Not much has changed, really. People want as many guns as possible, to make up for the lack of jobs and sustainable mortgages, while Steven Seagal rides around in tanks attacking chickens. Also, penis certificates. There's very little to complain about. So leave it to the liberals to not appreciate how good they have it and demand their own state.
Kevin Glasheen is a lawyer in Texas. He is also a lobbyist. He successfully lobbied the state to pass a bill raising the amount of money that it pays to inmates who are exonerated and freed after being wrongfully convicted and imprisoned. For completing this fine deed, Glasheen expects to be paid handsomely—by the freed inmates themselves.