Max Rivlin-Nadler · 07/04/13 10:11AM

The Statue of Liberty has reopened to the public for the first time since Superstorm Sandy. It had only been open for a few days last October after a year of renovations when Liberty Island was pummeled by the storm, leading to another shutdown of the statue.

Cord Jefferson · 06/24/13 02:01PM

A red panda missing from the National Zoo was found and captured in a bush in D.C.'s Adams Morgan neighborhood this afternoon. He was probably just after some Jumbo Slice.

On Flag Day, Defend the U.S. Flag By Punishing Those Who Desecrate It!

Ken Layne · 06/14/13 01:21PM

Today is Flag Day, America's most important holiday. And while it might seem like a good idea to wear flag wings over your bikini or use a tattered Old Glory as a summer blouse, such actions are illegal. But because there's no enforcement or punishment for hurting the American flag, freedom is constantly under assault.

Statue of Liberty Safely Ensconced in Security Perimeter

Hamilton Nolan · 06/04/13 11:31AM

At the 1886 ceremony celebrating the official opening of New York's Statue of Liberty, president Grover Cleveland declared that the statue's torchlight would "pierce the darkness of ignorance and man's oppression until Liberty enlightens the world." And it has! At least for those of you have been properly screened, for terror death bombs.

Here's a Great Chance to Close Guantanamo Bay

Hamilton Nolan · 05/17/13 08:42AM

If you have a keen memory, you may recall that U.S. president and Hellfire missile proponent Barack Obama once promised to close down our prison at Guantanamo Bay, where hope and civil rights go to die. That never happened, of course. But now, Obama has a golden opportunity to shut that motherfucker down.

FBI Foils Crazy Old Georgia Hicks' Big Talkin' Plot

Hamilton Nolan · 11/03/11 09:20AM

No law enforcement agency in the world is better than our own FBI when it comes to thwarting terror plots that never would have come to fruition anyhow, because they consisted mainly of pitiful people sitting around boasting to FBI informants. The latest triumph by our domestic anti-terror heroes: saving America from a bunch of old Georgia loons who sat around the Waffle House talking about their big assassination ideas.

Cops to Pay Amy Goodman $100K for Wrongfully Arresting Her

Hamilton Nolan · 10/03/11 04:35PM

Here's a video of normal-sized middle-aged female journalist Amy Goodman being arrested by multiple hulking stick-wielding riot police dressed in full body armor at the Republican National Convention in 2008. Sometimes you just have to laugh at the police state. Hey guys, are there enough of you there, you think? What if she scratches your eyeballs?!

Kids These Days Know Nothing About the Civil Rights Movement

Hamilton Nolan · 09/28/11 08:36AM

Half a century ago, heroes like Martin Luther X and Rose Park risked their lives by marching on top of lunch counters so that kids of all races would one day have the right to catch a few "Z's" in class while the teacher showed a filmstrip of the "I Have a Dream" speech. And how do kids these days repay those civil rights heroes? By not knowing a damn thing about them.

Cow's Run for Freedom Amusing to Everyone Except Cow

Hamilton Nolan · 08/12/11 08:10AM

Look at this cow making a break for it! This cow ran away from a slaughterhouse in Queens on Wednesday! This cow is running down a street called "Liberty Avenue," no joke! Run, cow, run!

Arizona Liberals Want Their Own State

Jim Newell · 05/10/11 01:08PM

What's the latest terrible news from Arizona, America's dirt backyard? Not much has changed, really. People want as many guns as possible, to make up for the lack of jobs and sustainable mortgages, while Steven Seagal rides around in tanks attacking chickens. Also, penis certificates. There's very little to complain about. So leave it to the liberals to not appreciate how good they have it and demand their own state.

Hero Lobbyist Bills Exonerated Former Prisoners for Millions

Hamilton Nolan · 05/10/11 10:48AM

Kevin Glasheen is a lawyer in Texas. He is also a lobbyist. He successfully lobbied the state to pass a bill raising the amount of money that it pays to inmates who are exonerated and freed after being wrongfully convicted and imprisoned. For completing this fine deed, Glasheen expects to be paid handsomely—by the freed inmates themselves.

Americans of All Races Are Finally Sexing Each Other Up

Hamilton Nolan · 03/25/11 08:42AM

Do you know what the fastest growing group of American youths is, besides no-good little delinquents who think Justin Bieber invented the wheel, you ignorant little brats? Multiracial youths! Single-race kids are kind of nerds, now.