CLEVELAND — The free market is alive and well here at the Republican National Convention. Because in addition to the official, RNC-sanctioned merchandise for sale within the arena, private vendors are making a killing selling Trump-themed refuse to freedom-loving, Hillary-hating passersby everywhere.
Congrats—you did it! In spite of some racially insensitive comments and “Can I touch your hair?” queries during February, you survived another tumultuous year as a Privileged American Man (I know, I know—I’m surprised, too). Sure, you lost a few friends and family members along the way, but such is life in a post-Rachel Dolezal World. Fortunately, Stanley, the black kid who lives two doors down, is still mostly cordial with you. Thus, to reward his continued friendship despite your continued ignorance, you’ve decided to be a pal and gift him some “pretty super stuff” (your words, not his). As the ancestors say: One man’s white guilt is another man’s good fortune.
Stoners, though an affable bunch, have regrettable taste in just about everything. It's a trope as old as thyme rolled in cigarette paper and sold as a joint, and it's true: the outside world only knows about drug rugs, mushroom posters, and the Disco Biscuits because poor weed-smoking saps actually buy into those things. How are you supposed to get your blazed-out buddies gifts befitting reasonable adult humans this holiday season without totally alienating them?
An unfortunate reality of the holiday season is that one must obtain gifts for those they don't necessarily like. One might even hate these people. For example, Uncle Tim's new wife Shea's daughter Melody, who once said you would be pretty if you had bangs. Or your boss, Mr. Man, who has never paid you back for the all lattes you have purchased for him. Or your ex-boyfriend, Carl, whose stunted progress on his novel—about you!—ended your relationship.
We all know someone who needs to relax. Whether they need to "relax" in the sense that they just need to chill out already, damn, or they need to "relax" in the sense that they truly deserve a break; be they a blogger who feels a base level of purposeless anxiety pretty much nonstop, or someone who has an actual reason to feel stressed. They are in our lives, my friends, and they need gifts.
Merry Christmas. Or not. Whatever winter holiday you celebrate, you probably do it by substituting love and kindness with cheap plastic garbage wrapped in pretty paper. And if you're like us, you find it distracting to put too much thought into what to buy your loved ones. Each year we try to solve that problem by HARNESSING THE AWESOME POWER OF GAWKER MEDIA'S PROPRIETARY PUBLISHING PLATFORM, KINJA, to gather the best gift suggestions the internet has to offer. This year, we've divided the universe of potential gift recipients into readers of our Gawker Media brother and sister sites—I mean, we're all surrounded by Jezebel and Deadspin and Lifehacker types, right? We begin with Kotaku: What should you buy for the
nerd gaming person in your life?
Christmas (and the Jewish Chanukahs) are almost upon us! People are literally making a killing at the discount stores. But you, bedraggled and drunken procrastinator, you probably won't get started with your shopping until the 23rd or so. And then it will be a mad dash. What to buy? And for whom?? Well, after the jump I'll give you a few helpful suggestions that ought to help expedite the process a wee bit. Print the list out, file it away, then go back to lying on the rug and drinking spiced eggnog from a mug with a straw and laughing dimly at George Lopez reruns.