Above is a highlight reel of last night's Roast of Roseanne on Comedy Central. Its messiness was an aesthetic choice — many members of the panel, whose star power was repeatedly called out for being underwhelming, aired out their dirty laundry. Carrie Fisher talked about her addiction and its affect on her memory, but best of all was when she read Jeff Ross with drag queen's precision. Ellen Barkin talked about popping Valium and drinking several cocktails before taking the stage — good thing, because I wanted to get to the bottom of why she could barely open her eyes all night before that. Gilbert Gottfried joked about his tsunami joke that went awry and got him fired as the Aflac duck's voice last year. He wants his job back, of course.
Praise be the gods, our long national nightmare of peace and quiet is over. After firing Gilbert Gottfried from his job voicing Aflac's screaming spokes-duck, the insurance company has completed its national search for a less offensive replacement. The winner is a sales manager from Hugo, Minnesota (population: 13,000) named Daniel McKeague. Congratulations, Daniel. We can't wait to scramble for the mute button every time your bone-chilling squawk comes on TV.
Chelsea Clinton is celebrating her 29th birthday today. Elizabeth Taylor is turning 77. Josh Groban is 28. Ralph Nader is 75. Joanne Woodward, the Oscar-winning actress and widow of Paul Newman, turns 79. Actor Noah Emmerich is turning 44. Lynyrd Skynyrd's Johnny Van Zant is 50. Rozonda Thomas (or Chilli) from TLC is 38. And the head of the 92nd St. Y, Sol Adler, turns 55. Weekend birthdays—including Olivia Palermo's big day—after the jump.
The recent taping of Bob Saget's Comedy Central Roast was bound to take a wrong turn sooner or later — sooner, in fact, if the comic's filthy inner circle evinced in The Aristocrats and other blue rooms over the years had anything to do with it. In fact, we'd bet dollars to donuts that the Gilbert Gottfried riff below was merely a mild, early pacesetter for an even more sordid night to come, which should roughly result in a seven-minute broadcast on Aug. 17 after the censors get a hold of it. We're told this clip is among those slashed, but really, aren't the Olsen Twin molestation gags we've been hearing about almost too easy under the circumstances? Would Candace Cameron jokes just be too on the nose? You tell us after the jump, and come on, Gil — don't get soft on us now.
Contrary to popular belief, sometimes we actually turn up to parties unannounced. Last night was such an occasion: Editorial Assistant Heather and her trusty sidekick Kate got wind of the DVD release party for Farce of the Penguins, Bob Saget's star-studded parody of March of the Penguins. Acting as if they belonged, our girls marched straight past the clipboard-wielding meanies to the open bar where they managed to mingle with the likes of Tracy Morgan, Lewis Black, Gilbert Gottfried, Neel Shah (seriously, does that guy ever go away?) and Mr. Danny Tanner himself. Take a look through our gallery of goodness here (NSFW if you're a penguin, or a zoologist, though), and for an extra uh, treat, check out the viral videos of fake penguin porn here.