Greetings from Conservative Political Action Conference, the nation’s premiere conservative meeting place for politicians hawking books and young Republicans looking to have a good time. What better place could there be from which to cover tonight’s GOP debate, live from Detroit? Ostensibly Detroit, but that’s a lot further away and frankly I doubt we’d get credentials anyway.
Tonight’s going to be weird. In one corner, we have Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio, and Ben Carson engaging in an ostensibly civil “town hall” on CNN (the other three get their shot tomorrow night). In the other corner, Donald Trump and Joe Scarborough will be doing... something. Either way, we’ll be liveblogging every last second of it.
At the Republican debate on Saturday, Donald Trump declared, “I’m the only one on this stage that said: ‘Do not go into Iraq. Do not attack Iraq.’ Nobody else on this stage said that. And I said it loud and strong.” This is—as the man himself might say—a big fat lie.
Right off the bat at tonight’s GOP debate, the six remaining candidates got hit with questions about recently deceased Antonin Scalia and Obama’s promise to—well, do his job. While each of the responses was off in its own, special way, Cruz’s was absolute masterpiece of bullshit. And moderator John Dickerson burned the hell out of him for it.
In what we can only hope was a sign of what’s to come, the ABC GOP debate kicked off with the most bizarre candidate walk-out any of us will likely ever see. Ben Carson appeared to refuse to go on stage, the moderators literally forgot about John Kasich, and both Carson and Trump had to eventually be begged before finally shuffling out from the shadows. This candidate clusterfuck alone almost makes the entire, terrible election worth it.
Tonight at 9 p.m. EST, every GOP candidate who is not a[n openly] narcissistic, insolent infant will be debating on the Fox News stage for the one thousandth time. Also at 9 p.m., Donald Trump will be offering counter programming in the form of his very own, hastily assembled “Fuck You Fox News” rally. Who will win? Trick question—tonight, we all lose.
On Tuesday, Ben Carson said he spoke to Reince Pubis. Pubis—a plump, humanoid Jedi Master with dark red hair, and an affable scholar of Jedi history—should not be confused with Reinhold Richard “Reince” Priebus, the chairman of the Republican National Committee.