The wave of hipness that has lately washed over Washington, DC has bathed the city's new residents in a glorious young, hip vibe. But it has also washed away the once sedate lives of the city's elderly, who now cower in their apartments, fearing that the next tidal wave of coolness may drown them for good.
Williamsburg, which our nation's greatest newspaper has scientifically determined to be the only neighborhood in New York City that really matters, is responsible for the invention of the swimming pool, the cocktail party, and the man bun. What will the hip young creatives in this hot and happening area give to society next?
The Washington Post has a long and proud journalistic tradition of owning the DC Hipness beat—continuously breaking news on the young, hip vibe of our nation's capital, where conservative and liberal nerds alike can come together to act, apallingly, like children. This eagle-eyed coverage of The Hip is something of which DC—and its hip residents—can be proud. Along with the city's great selection of tapas.
Any hip motherfucker worth his titanium hip knows that our nation's capital, Washington, DC, is also our nation's hipness capital, thanks to the young, hip vibe that permeates the city's air like the stench of a half-eaten half-smoke resting in the gutter outside of an upscale Half-Smoke Lounge that harkens back to DC's "gritty" old days, with $18 half-smokes.
In Washington the District of Columbia, hipness is not just something you put on and take off every day like a "wacky" tie showing a photo of Richard Nixon meeting Elvis Presley; it is a way of life. And DC's young, hip vibe is not just limited to young nerds—old nerds are getting in on the act as well.
An ironclad rule of hipness is that if you're looking for hipness, the best place to start your search is within the paragraphs of a newspaper article with the word "Hip" featured prominently in the headline. Mainstream newspaper stories explaining phenomena deemed "Hip" by mainstream newspaper editors: where hipness lives.
The Washington Post, having suffered years of cutbacks and foreign bureau closings, has now consolidated all of its remaining resources on its Peabody award-winning Hipness Desk. The paper's tireless hipness correspondents spend day and night fanned out across the metropolitan region in search of the elusive young, hip vibe that, according to legend, haunts the DC area.
The first rule of hipness is that hip people talk about "hipness" a lot. When you're around someone who uses the word "hip" a lot, well, you know that hipness is in the air, because nothing is hipper than bandying about the word "hip" as it relates to "hipness," in both writing and casual conversation.
Though newsroom budgets in our nation's capital have been slashed again and again, the Washington Post staunchly maintains its editorial commitment to keeping its Hipness Desk fully staffed. The young, hip vibe that has swept the town like a stiff Potomac wind is transforming the sleepy riverside burg into an honest-to-god destination spot—not just for hip homegrown anarchists, but for the hippest demographic of all: New Yorkers.
It's already been established that Washington, DC—once known as the Most Dangerous City in America—is now being consumed by a young, hip vibe that threatens to engulf the entire metropolitan area in a tidal wave of youth, hipness, and white people. We now turn to the Washington Post for a deeper look at this phenomenon. What does the newly young and hip DC look like? Like a bunch of nerds, drinking.
Three hipness reporters from the hipness desk of hipness arbiter The Washington Post drop an investigative bombshell today: while politicians were politicking, and lobbyists were lobbying, and tourists were touristing, and go-goers were go-going, something sinister was happening in Washington. It was becoming young—and hip.