Congrats—you did it! In spite of some racially insensitive comments and “Can I touch your hair?” queries during February, you survived another tumultuous year as a Privileged American Man (I know, I know—I’m surprised, too). Sure, you lost a few friends and family members along the way, but such is life in a post-Rachel Dolezal World. Fortunately, Stanley, the black kid who lives two doors down, is still mostly cordial with you. Thus, to reward his continued friendship despite your continued ignorance, you’ve decided to be a pal and gift him some “pretty super stuff” (your words, not his). As the ancestors say: One man’s white guilt is another man’s good fortune.
Ho ho ho! How can we ruin your Christmas today? I know: a public service campaign that instructs men to purchase pap smears for their special women as holiday gifts.