Now and then, we get forwarded crazy emails that people — most of whom are men involved in the finance industry — send to the people they're dating, or have dated, or want to date. Today: a thesaurus-happy hedge-fund manager accuses a woman he's been on one date with of lying to him and decides he'll teach her the best way to reject someone.
Yesterday, we noted that financial professionals make horrible boyfriends. But they're not always horrible in the sense that they might follow you across the Atlantic ocean and leave a tracking device in your bag—sometimes they're horrible in the sense that they send you 1,600-word emails asking why you haven't called them back after one date.
I recently reread Den of Thieves, the tale of how federal prosecutors brought down Wall Street giants Ivan Boesky and Michael Milken, the emblems of the '80s takeover boom. It turns out that Boesky never actually said, "Greed is good," the line Michael Douglas uttered as Gordon Gekko in Wall Street.
Meet "Andrew." He's an investment banker who enjoys fine cigars, small-batch bourbon, and being a gigantic douche in local newspapers. He also has a pitifully low investment banker salary of $190K including bonus. Doesn't that mean he's actually in the mailroom? Anyway. In today's Post feature on "Tools of the Trade"—those are the clothes, gadgets, and toys New Yorkers "can't live without" (should we take them away so that they die?)—never has a headline so accurately captured the essence of its subject.
After breaking his silence to Newscorp's New York Post this morning, Yale douchebag Aleksey Vayner decided against appearing on Newscorp's Fox News this afternoon. In his stead, Fox decided to interview Fraser Seitel, author of The Practice of Public Relations, as to what Vayner should do next. Nothing was particularly interesting about it, but we did enjoy this part of the segment, where Seitel calls investment bankers "self-serving," "narcissistic," and "preening." You hear that, i-bankers? You just got called out by a P.R. guy! That's got to sting.
The Times reported yesterday on the completion of its 94th annual Neediest Cases Fund charity drive, which from November through the start of this month raised a bit more than $7 million. The paper was particularly impressed with the donation corralled by a group of three young investment bankers — or, judging from the accompanying photo, perhaps two young investment bankers and one extra from Growing Up Gotti — who presented the Fund with $236,000 raised from fellow analysts at Citigroup, Goldman Sachs, Lehman Brothers, and CIBC. Explained the Times: