Beyoncé's former intern Kelly Rowland had to be rescued off the coast of Massachusetts over the weekend, after a private boat she was on became lost at sea, adrift in a salty ocean of self criticism, surrounded on all sides by black churning waters of regret. Actually, it was just in the regular sea. But it was hopelessly lost.
Beyoncé's been making Kelly Rowland cry a lot lately. More than usual, probably.
Jamie Foxx on the red carpet outside the Oscars, introducing his daughter to former Destiny's Child Kelly Rowland: "She's an Aquarius... like you." Lincoln? Jamie Foxx is linkin' right here! Zero Dark Thirty? More like Zero Dark Flirty! Argo? Argo home, Jamie Foxx, you're embarrassing your daughter.
The American Music Awards aired last night. It was every bit the waste of time that you'd expect from a ceremony that, like the Billboard Music Awards, gives out trophies based on sales and presence (airplay, streaming, social networks, etc.) but fosters the illusion that it is awarding its already awarded stars based on merit (whatever that is). Notable moments included:
For the past 24 hours, there has been an influx of new pop singles and almost all of them are subdued to the point of underwhelming. Here, I'll rank them in order of my faintly praised favorites.
Carly Rae Jepsen's "Call Me Maybe" is the actual song of the summer, but Pink's just-released "Blow Me (One Last Kiss)" is bound to be nipping at its heels on the Billboard Hot 100 in no time. What sounds like the product of tossing Modest Mouse's "Float On" in a blender with some stadium rock and a pinch of house, this is the most undeniable ear candy I've heard from Pink since her debut single, "There You Go" (back when she was R&B and of ambiguous ethnicity). The yelping she does at the end of the chorus ("I've had a shit day, you had a shit day, we've had a shit day") is the best, riskiest use of her pipes yet. Pink often irritates me for carrying herself like she's above her pop peers, but here she actually is, so hooray for her.
Jennifer Aniston turns 41 today (even though she celebrated the occasion last weekend with Gerard Butler). The woman who could have been a heartbeat away from becoming president, still thinks she has a chance in 2012, and whose name we cannot even type without feeling nauseous, is turning 46. Sheryl Crow is 48. Brandy is turning 31. Mr. Burt Reynolds will be blowing out 74 candles on top of his cake today. Kelly Rowland is celebrating her 29th. Actress Carey Lowell is 49. Legendary British fashion designer Mary Quant is 76. Former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush is turning 57. The always classy Aubrey O'Day turns 26. And Twilight actor and tween hearthrob Taylor Lautner turns 18 today.
• Although Tiger Woods and his wife remain "in seclusion" at their home in Florida (and are supposedly involved in "intense" marital counseling sessions), their lawyers are still ironing out a revised pre-nup. One report suggests Woods would pay his wife $5 million immediately and then $55 million if she stays with him for another two years; all she'd have to do is suck up any semblance of pride and sign a nondisclosure agreement. Meanwhile, sources indicate that Tiger was working on a deal to pay Rachel Uchitel $1 million to keep her trap shut, she hasn't taken any money from him (yet), and canceled her press conference yesterday because she was "scared for her safety." What else do we know? That Tiger is painfully insecure about his tiny calves, for one thing.
• In an interview with Glamour, Sarah Jessica Parker says she has "enormous regrets" about filming the Sex and the City sequel since because she didn't want to miss being home with her two baby daughters for one moment. Let's all hope the millions she makes from the movie more than makes up for it. [Us]
• Is 15-year-old Tallulah Willis (daughter of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore) dating 16-year-old Patrick Schwarzenegger (son of Arnold and Maria)? Possibly, although Bruce's rep is now denying it. [P6]
• Are Americans finally shopping again? Maybe. Retail sales were up slightly in April. [NYT]
• Gucci has filed a trademark infringement lawsuit against Guess? Inc. [BN]
• Alessandra Stanley's Times review of Bravo's Project Runway-ripoff, The Fashion Show, featuring Isaac Mizrahi, Kelly Rowland and Fern Mallis, wasn't especially favorable. [NYT]
• Agy Deyn is now pitching bottled water. [Sun]
• Leigh Lezark is the new face of Mango. [Nylon]
• Michelle Obama wore Michael Kors—not Alaïa—to the Time gala the other night. [FWD]
• If you've ever wished you could meet Adriana Lima dressed up as "a modern-day Cleopatra," you'll get your chance this Saturday. [NYM]
Unless you've been sequestered at a religious retreat/padded cell/otherwise media-free zone for the past month, you'll know that The Fashion Show, Bravo's knockoff of Lifetime-bound Project Runway, is debuting next week. And like a replacement child born after the tragic loss of its sibling, Bravo's new baby will struggle to escape comparisons to its beloved predecessor, especially since it's been molded so faithfully in the other's image.