The Whole World's a Sex Dungeon for Kristen Stewart and Her Married Human Lover [Update]

Caity Weaver · 07/27/12 05:45PM

Ed. Note: Unfortunately, we were asked to take down the photographs which originally ran with this story. However, since the way Caity's story is constructed requires corresponding images in order for it to make any sort of sense, we've just made Jim Cooke illustrate the ones we originally used. He's very disappointed with the results because he was rushed and insisted we say 'Bad Drawings by Jim Cooke.' But instead we will acknowledge his heroic patience and say that we think his renderings are better than the original photographs taken by some slimy paparazzi person hiding in a tree anyway.

Dejected Vampire Boy Just Packed His Bags And Left Kristen Stewart Due to Her Human Flaws, Mag Says

A.J. Daulerio · 07/26/12 01:50PM

So it appears that this was just too much for Robert Pattinson to take as People claims he's "heartbroken and angry" after Kristen Stewart's foolish tryst with the married man who directed Snow White and The Seven Huntsmen. People even quotes one of those phantoms "close to the situation" and the news is dire: "I'm not sure they'll be able to recover from this, " they told the mag. Somebody make somebody a mix tape before true love chokes and dies.