LIRR Service Is All Fucked Up, As Revelation Foretold 

Kelly Conaboy · 09/02/15 10:02AM

For 90 minutes this morning, Long Island Rail Road service was suspended coming into and going out of Penn Station due to “signal trouble.” For 90 minutes this morning, LIRR riders inundated the E, 7, and 2/3 subway lines, as the MTA cross-honored their LIRR fares. For 90 minutes this morning, Satan was released from his prison, deceiving the nations in the four corners of the earth—LIRR and MTA—to gather them for battle.

No Matter Which Train You Take, You're Screwed

Hamilton Nolan · 07/27/10 11:22AM

Planes, trains, and automobiles? If only! Planes are for the rich. So are automobiles. We're left with trains. Which are getting more expensive, less punctual, and more annoying.

Penn Commuters Berated By Snotty Europeans

choire · 04/18/07 10:57AM

This morning outside Penn Station, some young fellows were distributing fake anti-promotional literature "protesting" the new high speed Europe rail system. (Paris to Frankfurt in under four hours!) First of all: Ooh, fake negative ad campaign. Second: Are commuters from Lynbrook and Bayshore really the target market for RailEurope promotions? (Paging Long Island's Atoosa Rubenstein!) But really we're not sure they can afford the exchange rate. And finally: Why is Europe fucking with us and our asstacular and sad—yet pridefully, pants-pockets-tearingly American!—trains? Fine, so Luxembourg to Paris is 231 miles and their new train takes 2 hours and 5 minutes; Manhattan to East Hampton is 103 miles and it takes nearly 3 hours on the LIRR. But unlike France, at least we have our international reputation to keep us warm at night. Oh and we get to drink Coors on our trains, so there.

Breaking: Real 9/11 Victims Can't Use LIRR!

Jessica · 09/11/06 09:09AM

Speaking of 9/11 (har): a commuting correspondent reports that there's no LIRR service into the city, forcing him to take the subway into Manhattan from Jamaica. A track fire around 5 AM was reported at Penn Station; the requisite "suspicious package" was then sighted, completing this morning's cycle of anniversary terror and paranoia. According to the AP wire, all is well and service in and out of Penn Station is running slightly behind — but the vigilant authorities at the Jamaica station are telling commuters to take the subway. Says our correspondent: "The conductor could not have been less concerned. He was like, 'Yeah, bomb threat.'" And really, that's what today is all about: healing with a shrug.