Imagine: you're lying in bed, the perfume of lovemaking still stinging your nostrils and firing your neurons, legs tangled with your partner. Baby, that sex with you was so good, you coo, rolling over—only to discover that your partner is wearing a gold miniature smartphone on his wrist. Don't ever let this happen.
Yesterday, before an auditorium of engorged tech journalists, Apple revealed the final details of its dorkiest luxury item yet, the Apple Watch. It is an additional screen you can buy if you can't be bothered to take your iPhone out of your pocket. It will be a trophy of sloth and status for the worst segment of our society, those with both ample disposable income and a vacuum of taste. Watches have long served as a way for turd-men with too much money and not much to say to trumpet their existence to the world, but they've never featured Siri or the option to check your iMessages. For the vain and insecure, this is brilliant. Apple, innovating since day one, has found a way to make a chunk of ornamental gold on your wrist even more showy: throw in an LCD screen and wifi.
It doesn't matter that this is dumb. The iPad is dumb, and now everyone has one. You can't fight Apple on this. Over-eager piss boys and piss girls with blinking wrists will soon be at every bar and restaurant, trying to get Siri to understand that you're saying NEGRONI, NEGRONI INGREDIENTS, WHAT ARE THEY, CALL TAYLOR!!!! You can't stop them.
But you—and only you—can stop them from getting laid. You hold within you the power to turn AppleWatch owners into the celibates they deserve to be. Take our pledge: Fuck no AppleWatch owners.
We, the undersigned, hereby solemnly pledge to avoid sexual intercourse with an owner and wearer of the Apple Watch. For so long as the watch is in the possession of an individual, said person will be considered ineligible for coitus. Should the Apple Watch be sold, lost, or removed from the arm via machete, the former owner will be deemed Fuckable once more.
Photo via The Verge