Last night, Taylor Swift posted a video to YouTube in which she tries to convince the world that she's human. As someone who has had many human-to-human interactions, I remain unconvinced.
The video—"1989 Secret Sessions, Behind The Scenes!" (humans use exclamation points to note excitement)—documents a series of private parties thrown by Taylor Swift at her various home modules across the world.
According to the fans—all of whom appear to be young, suburban women and their gay male friends—they were contacted via direct message by @TaylorNation, the "official Twitter for http://TaylorSwift.com and Taylor Connect!" ("1989 is in stores 10/27"). According to one lucky attendee, the DM from the social media company that runs Taylor Swift's official fan Twitter said "that we will be going to a secret event, and they gave us a location and all these secret things." This is precisely how an alien pop star would go about abducting her fans, but nonetheless all the pretty children contacted via Twitter direct message were willingly handed over by their parents.
While the fans were being bussed to the secret location, Taylor was busy making "bulk batches" of chocolate chip and toasted coconut cookies. This sounds sweet until you notice that she also served them mounds of Papa John's cheese-n-yeast stuff (or "Night Food Parcel, brought to you exclusively by Papa John's" as it reads on Taylor's daily itinerary).
With her fans having arrived at her home, Taylor took a rare opportunity to observe human interaction in the wild.
She spied on her fans from insider her shower, which has a convenient porthole that allows Taylor to survey Earth unperturbed.
"They're mingling," Taylor said, connecting the word she had recently learned to its corresponding human action.
You can see here that, although she was excited to have witnessed the act of mingling, she was also overwhelmed.
Next, Taylor sat down on a plush white couch the color of a sleeping pod and told us what she had seen:
We wanted to surprise them, and they're here, they're out mingling and eating and things like that.
Meanwhile, Taylor Swift's most diehard fans tried as hard as they possibly could to pretend that they didn't know they were at Taylor Swift's house.
One thing Taylor's Earth Supervisors failed to teach her is that children are very bad liars.
After being herded into the living room, they pretended to not be surprised when Taylor suddenly appeared.
At this point, it appears that at least one of Taylor's most passionate fans—after being granted a once in a lifetime opportunity of mingling at Taylor Swift's home—was starting to become convinced that something wasn't right.
Then Taylor played them her new album. We don't get to see that part LOL.
Taylor's Culture in American Society tutor recently screened the film Fight Club:
After serving her fans homemade cookies (we don't get to see if they liked them—suspicious), Taylor introduced them to her only true friend on her second planet.
It was then time to go. For her fans, the party was ending. But for Taylor, it was just beginning. This is what they had been brought here for.
It was time for Taylor Swift to finally touch real human flesh.