One of the first things everyone should know about Keystone tapdance sensation Taylor Swift is that she is absolutely not on trial here and, to date, no one has unearthed any admissible evidence that she has ever murdered one to four people in her private home, or that she one day plans to do so.
That being said: If you are ever murdered, it will almost certainly be by Taylor Swift, whose $15 million Tribeca apartment—as sketched out by the scant few details provided in Swift's new Rolling Stone profile—sounds like it was decorated by a serial killer.
Up in the penthouse, a barefoot Swift answers the door in a periwinkle-blue sundress: "Welcome to my apartment!"
Inside, Swift's sixth-floor home is filled with all sorts of bits and bobs to make a human pet's final hours on earth a confusing-yet-comfortable expedition into a cozy cave of horrors.
"There's my piano," Swift tells the reporter from Rolling Stone, giving a daylight preview of the Goodnight Moon-esque object roll call she performs each night before slipping sideways into the crack between wall and refrigerator and waiting for dawn. "Here's my pool table that always has cat hair on it. That's my skylight."
The apartment is also home to many other normal things that humans love, arranged unremarkably in the style of the day, such as "enormous" scented candles, prized for their bigness:
"I was like, 'That's so cool, they're so big!"
And an aquarium full of old baseballs:
She breezes into the living room, pointing out the fish tank filled with vintage baseballs ("I was like, 'That's so cool, they're so old!'")
But don't go thinking that Taylor Swift's entire home is filled, top to bottom, with dirty old baseballs like some sort of aquarium. It's also got a quartet of guest bedrooms.
One of the guest bedrooms, where Taylor's friend Karlie Kloss sometimes sleeps (soooo quietly), is adorned with photos of Taylor's friend Karlie Kloss, and stocked with Taylor's friend Karlie Kloss' favorite snacks so that actually if you think about it Karlie never has to go home, she can just live in this happy little room in this happy little house and spend her days fishing for baseballs and be a doll forever.
"This is where Karlie usually stays," she says – meaning supermodel Karlie Kloss, one of her new BFFs, whom she met nine months ago at the Victoria's Secret fashion show. There's a basket of Kloss's favorite Whole Foods treats next to the bed, and multiple photos of her on the walls.
But Karlie is a model. It's her job to model the latest fashions, to the delight of shoppers. What is there for her to wear in Taylor Swift's apartment?
A rack of haunted nightgowns.
Against another wall, there's a rack full of white nightgowns. "This is a thing me and Lena have," says Swift – meaning Lena Dunham, another recent friend. "We wear them during the day and look like pioneer women, fresh off the Oregon Trail."
Taylor Swift's security team stays in a $5 million apartment across the hall, and her front door is regularly guarded by an ex-NYPD officer, so the apartment is very safe. No one is getting in.
No one is getting out.
[Image via Getty]