Today, Science of Us, the blog that brought us November's incredible horsefucker interview, published an interview with a 58-year-old virgin from Paradise, California. It is notable not because it picks the brain of a man who has never experienced the joy of hardcore doing it, but because it is—just, from beginning to end, oh my god—remarkably sad.
The 58-year-old speaks a lot about his abusive father, who, he explains, was a soldier who snapped after he "was one of the only survivors on a ship of 250 people that blew up." On his childhood:
My father was very abusive. He was always telling me I was useless and would never amount to anything. Once I was in my grandfather's plane at 12,000 feet and my dad was yelling such terrible things that I tried to open the door and jump out.
On his siblings:
I have a much older brother and there was a baby boy who passed away before I was born. He was crying, as infants do, and my dad made mom take the crib outside in the rain and leave him there until he stopped. My dad refused to take him to the hospital and he was dead by the time the ambulance arrived.
On whether or not he was sexually abused as a child:
Not from my father, but I did have a babysitter who tried to force me to suck his penis when I was about 3 years old. I refused and said I've got to go to the bathroom and slid out the window and hid in a juniper bush.
He explains that he believes his virginity stems only from the fact that he "suffer[s] from terminal ugliness." He continues:
"I have an eye that doesn't line up with the other one. I'd probably look better if I wore a pirate patch."
On his social life as a kid:
I had some friends, but I was beat up a lot because of how I looked. I was a rail-thin nerd; I'd stuff cardboard in my shoes to make myself taller and my left eye is messed up. I was afraid to sleep when my father was around, so I was always exhausted. One time I fell asleep sitting up and smashed my eye on a knob on the bedpost. It severed a nerve that closed my pupil. The pain was so extreme I couldn't face the sun even with my eyes closed because it hurt so much. I had to walk around with my head tilted.
Why doesn't he just hire a prostitute, you're wondering? Well, he explains why he doesn't just hire a prostitute:
It will just be worse because I'll know what it's like and then I'll want more, like having a taste of a fine steak and then learning you will only get to eat hard beans and drink water for the rest of your life.
Also he does not have a job:
No. I have problems with my back and my legs, so I'm just waiting to get a decision on my disability. I'm staying in my friend's trailer. I have about $500 left. I don't have to pay her any rent, though, or utilities.
Yes, except when I consciously stopped thinking about sex. Before that, I'd often wish that I would simply go to sleep and not wake up. I guess there are still times where I feel that way.
The hardest part about his life as a 58-year-old virgin?
Laying alone at night, falling asleep and then getting up in the morning and remembering you're alone. It's like waking up to the same nightmare every single day.
Oh my god.