It’s time. Tomorrow night, at 9 p.m. Eastern Daylight Time, ten drunk clowns are going to fight with each other on national television for the chance to make wildly important decisions that affect each and every one of our livelihoods. It is going to be a god damn masterpiece.
But who actually are these ten racist-chain-letter-forwarding grandparents making a mockery of the political process on Fox News’ esteemed stage?
We’re glad you asked. Allow us to present: The 2016 Republican candidates for the President of the United States of America. God help us all.
Occupation: Pompous tycoon who falls in the pool at at the end of an ‘80s snobs vs. slobs comedy.
Hometown: A fiery lake of burning sulfur.
Secret Fantasy: “President Trump, all of the other presidents and prime ministers are on the line, and they all agree that you are the classiest and richest president, and all the government scientists have proven that everyone who disagrees is ugly.”
Hometown: Houston, Texas
About: Jeb! is the most plausible presidential candidate to stand on Thursday night’s stage. Despite being the former governor of Florida and a descendent of one of America’s most esteemed presidential monarchies, the second Bush boy is currently polling second to a boisterous clown.
Occupation: Governor of Wisconsin.
Hometown: Plainfield, Iowa
Hometown: Hope, Arkansas
Secret Fantasy: The Lord finally calls upon his devoted servant, Mike Huckabee, who stands ready atop Mt. Carmel, to rain down fire from the Heavens on the “hundreds and hundreds of false prophets.” Granted, this particular fantasy is technically not a secret. So, let’s say, Jesus shows up at Huckabee’s house with a Telecaster and asks if he knows “Long Train Runnin’.”
Occupation: Pediatric neurosurgeon/frequent subject of sentences that begin “some of my best friends....”
Hometown: Detroit, Michigan
About: The renowned, now-retired Johns Hopkins pediatric neurosurgeon became a GOP darling after conservatives decided to employ a bit of selective hearing during Carson’s ever-so-slight critique of Obama’s healthcare policies back in 2013. But of course, he’s running with it.
Hometown: Calgary, Canada
Occupation: Future former candidate for president.
Hometown: Miami, Florida
About: This former Tea Party darling only got his initial bid for Senate thanks to the group’s crazy-eyed support. But after Rubio embraced his roots and lobbied for immigration reform, his Tea Party support, like anything at all potentially interesting about Marco Rubio, evaporated.
Occupation: Opthamologist, has Ron Paul for a father.
Hometown: Bowling Green, Kentucky
About: A notorious train itinerary fabulist, Rand Paul is the libertarian-leaning son of everyone’s favorite Apocalypse-prepping leprechaun, Ron Paul. He is (unfortunately for us) significantly less outwardly insane than his father and (fortunately for us) not even going to come close to winning.
Secret Fantasy: Has literally any other name.
Occupation: Physical embodiment of every New Jersey stereotype.
Hometown: Newark, New Jersey
About: Where to begin! This union-busting, teacher-hating, sex-having bane to commuters and bridge-crossers everywhere is the scumbag king. He accepts gifts from foreign governments, bleeds New Jersey dry, fucks over his constituents—and he does it all with a smile.
Secret Fantasy: An unspeakable scene that involves ballpark franks, ballpark nachos, ballpark burgers, Bruce Springsteen, and several unconscious teachers.
Occupation: Being, you know, that other guy.
Hometown: Westerville, Ohio
About: The least-known in this delightful festival of fools is Ohio governor John Kasich. The most remarkable thing about him, though, is that despite all of his genuinely terrible opinions, the flaming piles of garbage surrounding him actually make him look halfway decent. We promise you, he is not.
Secret Fantasy: Someone calls him anything other than “that other guy.”