This week, Donald Trump’s campaign manager, Corey Lewandowski was arrested for the crime of simple battery after he allegedly grabbed Breitbart reporter Michelle Fields at a campaign rally.
1. Actually and intentionally touches or strikes another person against the will of the other; or
2. Intentionally causes bodily harm to another person.
Basically, to be charged, you have to mean to touch another person in an offensive manner. There is no requirement that that person be injured. There is no requirement that that person scream, cry, flinch, or even change the expression on his or her face while being touched.
But none of this matters to Donald Trump, and none of these need matter to you if you intend to gaslight the woman your employee lied about grabbing.
Step One: Call Her a Liar
Step Two: Realize There’s Video and Distract from the Action by Talking About Her Face
“Trump acknowledged the question, but before he could answer I was jolted backwards. Someone had grabbed me tightly by the arm and yanked me down. I almost fell to the ground, but was able to maintain my balance. Nonetheless, I was shaken.” - Michelle Field’s official statement.
“How do you know those bruises weren’t there before? I’m not a lawyer. She said she had a bruise on her arm. I mean, to me, if you’re going to get squeezed, wouldn’t you think that she would have yelled out a scream or something if she has bruises on her arm? Take a look at her facial expression. Her facial expression doesn’t even change. So you say bruises on her arm—how did they get there? Who put them there? I don’t know that he put them there.” - 3/29
“She didn’t even change the expression on her face. Look at her face. During this whole incident. If somebody whacks you or somebody gives either of you a shot, you’re gonna be, ‘Wow!’ Your mouth is going to open, you’re going to be screaming a little bit. She didn’t even change expression on her face. I don’t buy it at all.” - Today Show 3/30
Step Three: Minimize, Minimize, Minimize
“This is something that was so minor. Who would ever think a thing like this could happen? She grabs my arm, he probably pushes her off a little bit, almost not even knowingly. It’s almost like a reflex. But she wasn’t yanked to the ground or anything, and to think that that led to criminal...” - Fox News 3/30
“This thing is so minor, it’s so incidental. The lawyer can’t even believe charges were brought on this very minor... think of it. In the world we have people’s heads being cut off, we have people drowning.” - Fox News 3/30
“I think it’s a disgrace. In a world where they’re chopping off heads, where they’re drowning people in cages. Everybody that’s seen this tape that I know, and you look at Twitter, people think it’s a total disgrace that she actually filed charges for this.” - Good Morning America 3/30
“When you look at what happened, it was so minor that he might not have even thought about it. Because to be honest with you, when you look at this, it was so minor. People are calling saying, ‘What is this all about? We have people in the Middle East chopping off heads and drowning people in cages and he brushes her?’ And he brushed her to get—probably—probably—to get her hand off my arm. It was so minor he might not have even realized it took place. And then he was informed later on that it took place, and he may not have even known, frankly, what happened.” - Today Show 3/30
Step Four: Blame the Victim
“She was grabbing me. And just so you understand, she was off base because she went through the Secret Service. She had a pen in her hand, which Secret Service is not liking because they don’t know what it is, whether it’s a little bomb.” - 3/29
“She broke through Secret Service, she’s asking questions. She’s not even supposed to be asking questions. But she grabs my arm and you see me trying to push her hand off my arm. She’s got a pen in her arm, which she’s not supposed to have. And it shows that she’s a very aggressive person who is grabbing at me and touching me. Maybe I should file charges against her. Maybe I should say my arm has never been the same.” - Fox News, 3/30
“Practically nothing occurred. It looks like he’s trying to push her hand off my arm. She shouldn’t have been grabbing me. When you say it’s okay for her to touch me but somebody else can’t touch her, you think that’s ok? I don’t think so. She also had a pen in her hand, and that could have been a knife, that could have been even a pen—it’s dangerous. Secret Service doesn’t want people running up to me and grabbing me with a pen in her hand.” - Good Morning America 3/30
Step Five: Praise Your Employee, Whose Four Fantastic Children Live in New Hampshire
“He’s a good person. He’s a good human being. I don’t want to destroy a human being’s life. He’s got four children. He’s got a wonderful wife. He lives in New Hampshire. I don’t feel like destroying his life.” - Fox News 3/30
“He’s a fine person. He’s a very good person. And I don’t want to destroy a man. If you let him go, you would destroy a man, destroy a family. He’s got four fantastic children—a wife and four fantastic children living in New Hampshire. And what, I’m going to fire him because he may have brushed her?” - Good Morning America 3/30