2014 broke the baseball metaphor. It used to be that you knew what it meant to go all the way, but as eating ass increasingly embeds its face in the crack of popular discourse, it seems that we’re looking back at the days of celebrating home runs. Who cares about fourth base now when the spectators in the stands are eating peanuts, Cracker Jack, and each other’s buttholes?
In 2014, we not only saw paradise by the dashboard light, we overshot it, and now everyone’s eating ass. Straight people do it! Married people do it! In this day and age, Nicki Minaj rapping about salad tossing is about as transgressive as a lunch line at Chop’t. Like driving an Uber or tweeting for brands, the rim job has become an occupation like any other, just another obligation. True pleasure-seekers must now ask the question, “Where do we go from here?”
America is grounded on the pursuit of new frontiers, and in the wake of assplay gaining statehood, I felt called to civic duty. I struck out for the wild, wild west of Casual Encounters and posted an ad: Are you into a weird, rare sex act?
All About That Eye
Upon the posting of my Craigslist notice, visions of uncharted holes and squirty fountains of youth danced in my head. Unfortunately, there was no gold in the hills. One respondent replied that he enjoyed “getting a bj from a fine female while her yellow lab licks jelly off [his] balls.” OK. Another edgy sex-haver told me he liked jerking off in front of an open window. Finding the next truly novel sex act was going to be more difficult than I thought.
Kink is abundant online, but it rarely constitutes a distinct “sex act” itself. For instance, the dog-jelly scenario is just blow job, plus a dog. Age play is just sex plus diapers. A rape fantasy is just sex plus hitting and talking very mean. Whatever you’re into, that’s cool, but I was in search of the hot new thing, an altogether new sex act.
Sex trend reporting has historically relied on over-sensationalizing the facts that a) humans are weird, and b) sex is gross. Think rainbow parties, sex bracelets, and superman dat ho! This type of reporting, while entertaining, is rarely indicative of how many people regularly enjoy such acts. Almost always we attribute alleged new sex trends to one of two groups—teens (re: underdeveloped decision making skills and libertine mores) and Japanese people (re: exoticized otherness and unintelligible cultural norms).
Therefore it was no huge surprise that early in my search for the next eating ass I turned up oculolinctus, a Japanese/teen double whammy, also apparently known as worming or eyeball-licking play. In 2013, a news item in The Guardian called licking your lover’s eyeball “a new second base; the thing you graduate to when kissing gets boring.”
In the tradition of media sex panics that came before, the anti-eyeball licking article thinks of the children and warns of a looming epidemic of ophthalmologic chlamydia. Also in the tradition of previous media sex panics, the trend was proven to be a hoax, and the article was quickly replaced by a backpedaling op-ed on journalistic ethics (2013 was quaint!). I digress, but the point is, if kissing for some reason becomes boring to you, you certainly can lick your lover’s peepers, but it was never a widespread behavior, and probably isn’t well-poised to become the next eating ass.
Soak Your Dick for Jesus
Religious types are frequently held accountable for the supposed rise of new sex trends. Repression breeds creativity, and my research suggested that there is no shortage of proprietary ways to bone to be found lurking in the cabins at Jesus camp. Due to their similarity to good old God-ordained missionary position, these ways seem relatively more primed for crossover success than their teen and Japanese counterparts.
A visit to an ex-Mormon subreddit yielded a sexual technique known soaking, a penetrative act in which the penis enters the vagina and, uh, soaks. This act (alternately described as as floating, marinading your penis, dick planking, and the Provo soak) is said to be used by young Mormons as a workaround for laws on premarital sex, though substantial net trawling did not return a single first-person anecdote. As it seems, soaking is an act most often enjoyed by a distant friend of a friend you’ve never met. Certainly, its mythic nature should not stop you from trying it, but lack of evidence seems to suggest that it is simply not enjoyable enough to become the next rimjob.
Soaking is not, however, the only way that horny religious teens avoid the wrath of God. I once heard a rumor that a girl who worked at my hometown’s ice cream stand was saving it for marriage by letting her boyfriend fuck her between the thighs. After some experimentation with search terms (leg sex, thigh gap fucking, etc.) I finally unearthed the boner-inducing term intercrural sex. Boning between the thighs, also called femoral intercourse (again, hot!), already enjoys cult status across a wide variety of demographics. A heated convo on Yahoo Answers suggests the act is popular with everyone from queer pansexual trans men and the ancient Greek sculptor Praxiteles to U.S. Marines under 30 and user KiWi’s friend Katie who is “still a virgin (pure).”
Indeed, thighs have been fucked since ancient times. A website called Aaron’s Gay Info, which can only be described as a homo version of the Space Jam website (“one-of-a-kind free gay e-cards”), helpfully returned this image from an ancient Grecian urn entitled “Man and Youth Initiating Intercrural Intercourse” (c. 500-480 B.C.E.). While molesting children is always out, it seems within the realm of possibility that leg fucking could someday again be in. I was initially skeptical of its erotic appeal, but this anecdote about a bicurious Brit substituting the legs for the bum was kind of hot.
“Sometimes he’d use lubricant to make it slide easier,” wrote Experience Project user InMyRubbers. “But I most enjoyed when he did it without and I could better feel the moment when the sudden stickiness between my thighs announced he’d ***.”
Intercrural sex might sound awkward in theory, but it is already featured in a decent amount of porn, and logistically can be enjoyed by a wide variety of sexualities and genders. If society can get people to lick the poop hole, a thigh sex trend seems more like a pipe fantasy than a pipe dream.
The Armpit and Other Places You Can Put Your Dick
This discovery led me to a treasure trove of plausible future trends. Intercrural sex is part of a broader category of acts known as outercourse, a term you probably learned in sex ed but were too horny at the time to fully consider. Outercourse includes all the non-penetrative sex acts you know and love (cuddling, dry-humping, titty fucking), plus a sizeable catalog of deep cuts. You may already know about frot (i.e. swordfighting, cock rub, touchin’ dicks) and tribadism (i.e. scissoring, see: trib wrestling), but you can also fuck the armpit (axillism) and the belly button (alvinophilia). Anglo-American poet W.H. Auden coined the terms Oxford Style, Princeton-First-Year, and Ivy League Rub to refer to the act of coitus con ventrum, or intercourse against the belly (i.e. fucking the seam between two bodies pressed up against each other). Seemingly, there is no limit to the ways in which two or more humans might rub their genitals upon each other’s bods. Comedian Chris Rock put it gracefully: “Just need a crease!”
Certainly, this represents a possibility, but not necessarily a probability. Somehow, we have made progress on dismantling the stigma around licking each other’s poopers, but the hurdles around popularizing niche types of outercourse are still somewhat substantial.
Will, a 23-year-old heterosexual male, i.e. a member of the most canonically average demographic of sex-havers, explained to me why he does not want to fuck an armpit.
“I think it’s just biological,” he said. “[An armpit] doesn’t emulate a vagina, so the brain doesn’t like it. Also, it’s not transgressive, like the mouth and anus, which are supposed to be used for other functions. Also, it’s stupid. Also, the hair/stubble would chafe.”
When I pointed out that a lubed up armpit emulates a vagina at least as much as a hand, and that biology cannot account for many bizarre human proclivities, and that vagina fucking itself sometimes involves hairiness or stubble, he backed down. A few minutes later, I received a text that read: “Will, 23, is now considering axillary intercourse.” In this moment, I saw a glimmer of hope that outercourse could someday become the next eating ass.
Hotdogging, Pussyjobs, Pantyjobs, Etc.
Hope is often found in the unlikeliest places, as is evidence. On Reddit’s r/hotdogging, I discovered a thriving community of people who get off on the idea of sticking their Hebrew National not inside the butthole, but between the buns. The community’s content is impressively creative, especially in light of a porn economy that tends to reward rampant jackhammering of a woman’s various holes.
One top-scoring link features a man gently rubbing his penis against the tension of a woman’s thong as she hoses him down with a plastic water bottle of lube. Another remarkably ingenious GIF features two women using their asscracks in tandem to bring a man to climax. Outercourse as more than foreplay is not unpopular on Reddit. Altogether, the kingdom of novel non-penetrative subreddits (outercourse, hotdogging, pussyjobs, assjobs, buttjobs, and pantyjobs) comprises over 50,000 users. If this statistic doesn’t indicate interest, then at least it indicates a substantial infrastructure ready to support interest should it arise, and indeed it might someday.
Inviting your lover over to hump like confused teenagers may seem corny, but already 2015 has trended towards a return to simpler times. At Matter, John Herrman wrote about swapping his smartphone for a shitphone. Laura M. Holson at The New York Times offered a guide to logging off without missing out. Perhaps, in the second half of the year, unplugging will extend to our very own holes. Pull out your dick and put your tongue back in your mouth. With assplay behind us, maybe “try outercourse” is just the tip we need.
Illustration by Jim Cooke