Teens are monsters. They’re emotionally stunted, mentally deficient, and refuse to stop joining ISIS. But in between all the rampant flakka use and finger-blasting, our garbage teens have had one hell of a year.
Considering the havoc teens so readily wreak, it’s insane that we let them engage in public at all, much less give them cars and cash. But we do. And as punishment for granting the disaffected youths of the world a modicum of freedom, they have have spent the past 12 months terrorizing everyone and everything in their hormone-drizzled paths.
In the spirit of reflection and preparedness, let’s take a trip through the year in teen-perpetrated terror. And may they spare you in 2016.
A Florida teen fulfills his destiny and (successfully) poses as a gynecologist for an entire month before getting caught. A horrifying realization for any woman he might have come into contact with and a godsend for his future prom date.
Teen terror level: 8/10 fingerbangs
A college freshman and newly pledged Phi Delta Theta member is thrilled to spend his first spring break with his brothers—his fellow frat daddies, the beer to his bong, and the pastels to his wardrobe. He drinks. He drinks some more. He dons a pink shirt with a kitten on it. He is The Man. And then he spots it—a tiny, defenseless hamster.
Now’s my chance, is what the teen would think to himself if his brain still had the capacity for thought. He grabs the hamster; the crowd roars. He puts it in his mouth; the hamster (probably) roars. He bites down and spits the decapitated mass of fur and brains... somewhere. He throws the hamster’s lifeless remains... somewhere. He screams. He smiles. Several days later, he gets kicked out of Ole’ Miss.
But why was the hamster there in the first place? Was it bought with the express purpose of being decapitated by a crazed teen? Was it someone’s pet? Why is the teen so happy? Some mysteries are better left unsolved.
Teen terror level: 7/10 emails from PETA
that turned into me giving someone a fake interview under an alias. that interview was used in a web article. this article is in print now.— LeVar Burzum (@drugleaf) April 17, 2015
THE RAPPER LIL UGLY MANE pic.twitter.com/pt6U9TUaGa— LeVar Burzum (@drugleaf) April 17, 2015
If you’re a reporter looking to write a story about vaping in any capacity, never look for answers on Twitter. Because teens use Twitter in inscrutable ways as it is, and because 90 percent of teen vaping content is inherently insincere, you will get trolled. Both by teens and by Gawker’s editor-in-chief.
The teen may have lied, but The New York Times knowingly walked into a lions den.
Teen terror level: 2/10 dank memes
Not a month after the little vaping fiasco, some 16 year-old British kid tries his luck at fooling the paper of record. And of course, it works. The Times prints a story that includes a little tidbit about Charleston Shooter Dylann Roof being obsessed with both My Little Pony and 9/11 memes based on, well, nothing really. Another victory for teens.
Teen terror level: 1/10 sockpuppet accounts
After Haden Smith decided he desperately need his ex-girlfriend back, he phoned his mother and instructed her that until she called the girl’s parents to broker a reunion, he would kill one of her prized chicken’s every fifteen minutes. Haden killed six chickens total before the authorities finally caught up with him.
On the one hand, killing chickens is wrong. On the other hand, Haden’s mother has had this coming since the day she decided to name her son Haden.
Teen terror level: 7/10 chicken nuggets
If we learned anything this year, it’s that teens fucking love ISIS. For whatever reason, the angsty, dissatisfied, parent-hating youths of the world cannot get enough of the Islamic State. On August 28, a Virginia teenager was caught both running a popular pro-ISIS twitter account and helping a friend travel to Syria to join the Islamist group. Then, a little over two weeks later, a Danish teen was sentenced to nine years in prison for stabbing her mother at least 20 times after spending “the whole evening” watching videos of ISIS beheadings.
It’s almost 2016, do you know where your teen is? If not, the answer’s probably “ISIS.”
Teen terror level: 10/10 actual terrorists
my hairdresser found two teens bonging dew outside the post office pic.twitter.com/KzrPu4GZgB— tiny togepi (@skullface) September 18, 2015
We may never know exactly who these anonymous Dew Boys of summer truly are, but their complete disregard for both their bodies and the rules of reasonable beverage consumption will live on in our hearts for years to come.
Teen terror level: 1/10 vomiting teens
It’s a well-known scientific fact that every third word to come out of a teen’s mouth is a complete and total lie. But even with that knowledge, the extent and complexity of one 17-year-old girl’s Jaden Smith-centric fiction is nearly mind-blowing.
According to Chelsea Clark, the teen in question, not only had Kylie Jenner been stalking and harassing her, but the littlest Jenner even went so far as to stage a car crash in hopes of getting her out of the picture entirely. So naturally, Clark decided to take out a restraining order on the starlet. We assume the order hasn’t been difficult for Kylie to keep, since the two have never met once in their entire lives.
Teen terror level: 6/10 chemtrails
Two teenage cheeba huffers going by the acronym CWA (or Crackas With Attitude) claimed to have hacked their way into none other than CIA Director John Brennan’s AOL account. Which—while technically a Bad Thing To Do—Brennan had basically asked for by having an AOL account in the first place. Hack big or hack home, as the teens say.
Teen terror level: 3/10 rare Pepes
Violence is, for the most part, a terrible way to get what you want. And clocking a top government official is even worse. Which is why it makes perfect sense that it was a teen who took it upon himself to punch the Spanish Prime Minister directly in the face.
The reason for the punch is unknown, and his weak little fists don’t seem to have inflicted too much damage. But when you punch the physical embodiment of The Man directly in his brain, results don’t really matter all that much. Because either way, you are the perfect teen.
Teen terror level: 5/10 “you’re not my real dad”s