Allow a single tear to trickle down your cheek and drop onto the sleeve of your pale yellow golf shirt, fellow white Americans, for the day that we feared has come. I'm not talking about the cancellation of the U.S. Open, though that is certainly a blow for whites. I'm talking about the very death of our proud but pale race.
For hundreds of years, whites have boldly dominated American cultural and sociopolitical life, using tools as ingenious and disparate as poll taxes, the John Birch Society, American Bandstand, and Tang. But the demographics winds are changing. We already know that whites are projected to become a minority— in this very country that our ancestors stole, and founded— in the year 2043. Perhaps you thought that meant that you could relax, at the country club, maybe while drinking a nice Arnold Palmer (which, Armando, will you be a good amigo and fetch me? Thanks much!) for the next 30 years? Hardly, my friends. The beginning of our end is already here.
New Census figures released today show that for the first time in more than a century, more white Americans died than were born last year. We, as a people, are on the decline. Now we know exactly how the native Americans felt. We are all "brothers" now, in unity against the Mescans. Ironically, the only thing that prevented the white population from declining in absolute numbers was immigration of whites from abroad. Did you ever think you'd live to see the day when we'd actually welcome Irishmen to our shores? Yet here we are, dependent on our pallid brethren from abroad to keep our ranks strong. Proud natural born American whites now find ourselves forced to hold our nose and implore the scoundrel French and the bastard British oppressors to relocate here. A high price we pay for racial unity— a high price indeed.
Pointy-headed academics blame things like "the recession," and call this development "stunning." But excuses will get us nowhere. Do you think that Howdy Doody became successful by making excuses? He did not. We must come to grips with our plight. Though we, the whites of America, know that we are assaulted on all sides by discrimination, we must stand strong. Unless we get to fuckin' (each other, unfortunately), this racial gap will only widen. Unless we reject the wanton messages of miscegenation embedded in popular "hip hopping" culture now being spoon fed to our children like mother's nutritious Cream of Wheat cereal, we will surely lose. Unless we create "cool" new white role models in the mold of The Lone Ranger or Al Jolson, future generations will surely fall further into racial apathy. It's just not looking good. Do not be surprised, my friends, to come home one day and find your child raptly watching a movie starring Will Smith. This is the world we live in.
It is all very scary and sad. So please be sensitive on this somber day. If you see a white American such as Dick Cheney or Gawker staff writer Max Read crying today, embrace them in sympathy. They are contemplating perdición.